A scum family has spoken out over its first class “hell” after being upgraded on the 14:55 from London Paddington to Swansea yesterday. The family, who proudly claim to have the largest number of successive asbos in Great Britain, were given a free upgrade to first class after a ticketing error occurred, only for their delusions of First Class travel to be shattered.

“That Nicolas Winterton fella, he bangs on about how first class is well good innit,” mused mother of 8 Sharon Gratuitous of Swansea. “So we was thinking that First Class would be well good, but when we got there, we was treated like shit, and I ain’t never going to travel First Great Western again. Ever.”

The family’s nightmare began when, upon entering the first class carriage, they were met with looks of disdain and disgust from what Gratuitous calls “them posh types”. Upon finding sufficient seating for her eight children, Gratuitous found herself “bombarded with complaints” from fellow passengers.

“I can’t do nuffink, like,” she told reporters. “Little Ricky, yeah, he couldn’t even run up and down the carriage with his pants down his ankles like he does in standard class. Apparently in First Class, you’re not allowed to do that. I mean, what is the world coming to when a 10-year-old boy can’t pelt it down the aisle with his privates hanging out? What sort of world is this? And my Debbie, right, she’s apparently ‘not allowed’ to set fire to empty coffee cups. They said that in First Class, you can’t do that either.”

When three-year-old Oswald started knifing the seats, the family was given “a warning” by train manager Barry Officious, who said: “In standard class, it might be de rigueur to knife the seats, spill tea all over them and rub it in with your sister’s face, but in first class, people tend to refrain from doing that. So I gave them an official warning. I couldn’t move them because I was told they might sue me for emotional damage.”

When the train passed through Didcot, First Class traveller Sir Edmond Poncenby decided to muster up the courage to inform the scum family that the use of water pistols was not accepted in first class carriages, but was set upon by a gang of three older children:

“They pulled my hat over my face, jumped on my feet and stole my newspaper, drawing moustaches on the faces. They even pinned me down and drew a moustache on mine. I already have one. And I’m including the mother in that little gang. They were just horrible little oiks. I think if this is the way First Class is going, I’m going to try standard class.”

The scum family’s hell was compounded when they were served their free meal. Three-year-old Oswald refused to eat the mashed potato, screaming “where’s the fucking chips you bastards?” while mother Sharon, tears in her bloodshoot eyes, punched the waiter and accused him of trying to starve her flock: “They’re heartless, heartless bastards,” she screamed. “No chips – and what’s all this jus business? I don’t want a jus, I want fucking ketchup. I’m definitely going to sue.”