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German industrial metal band Rammstein have been forced to apologise to their fans after a “low key” performance left many feeling short changed. The band are claiming that since the recession they have had to “downscale” their theatrical ambitions, and are hoping that the “music will do the talking” for them.
Rammstein fan Alice Kreuzfeld-Smith said “When Till Lindemann shimmied down a rope holding a sparkler – that actually went out halfway down the rope – I thought to myself… ‘maybe they’ve made some cut-backs’, but I wasn’t prepared for what followed. Recession or no recession, I’ve got expectations for a Rammstein concert, and they don’t include a catherine wheel that fails to go off.”
As the show went on, the group’s usual pyrotechnics were scaled down significantly. At the end of their famous song “ich werde lieber ein loch in mein Kopf haben”, guitarist Paul Landers put his guitar down, walked to the edge of the stage, and proceeded to light some Swan Vesta matches one after the other, placing them carefully on a saucer to ensure that the fire didn’t spread..
“At least they were extra large,” he told reporters afterwards. “Management wanted us to cut down from Swan Vesta matches to those really tiny ones that just fall apart the minute you strike them. I mean – it’s a far cry from the days where I wore exploding pants and had to have my groin operated on after every gig – but Health & Safety regulations count for something too, you know. So we’re being practical, we’re being safe, and we’re saving money.”
“Perhaps”, he mused, “we’re just getting too old for all the chicanery and the trickery. And we’ve been told to stop all the strobing lights because they give Till a headache, and they could potentially cause epilepsy.”
Many fans were hoping to see Till set on fire, but were disappointed when he proceeded to play the band’s latest hit single Health und Safety ist toll (Health and Safety is smashing), a 10-minute industrial metal magnum opus dedicated to those who have suffered accidents in the workplace. The song’s lyrics, when translated, read: “watch that cup of coffee, you might get scalded, watch that trailing wire, you might trip and hurt yourself, watch that plug point, you might burn burn burn burn burn burn burn.”
NME journalist Baz Onions spoke of his bitter disappointment: “The least you expect is some kind of pyrotechnic amputation – all we got was a lecture on which exit to take at the end of the gig, a fire drill, and a monkey with a couple of cymbals. Frankly, I’ll be asking for my money back, credit crunch or no bloody credit crunch.”
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This article is almost as funny as the Pussy video…thanks for the laugh!
Exploding pants, groin operations and a song called “I’d rather have a hole in my head”… genius.
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This article ain’t about Rammstein!!!This’s bullshit!!! The writer of this pathetic meager fucking skeazy number of words that’s called text, should be fucking burned on the mighty pyre for this!!!!It’s just yellow press can’t get its heasd filled up with more dumbfuck shit till it’s pouring out of its ears!!!
And the ADMIN should be ashamed for posting such a lame fraudulent fake!!!!!!!!
Besides Rammstein don’t even have songs like ‘ich werde lieber ein loch in mein Kopf haben’ and ‘Health und Safety ist toll’!!!!
Don’t believe what’s written up here it’s a fucking lie and slander!!!
P.S. If ADMIN doesn’t delete this article in 3 days then he’s a cocksucking shaft riding cockamamie bozo!!!!!
And the writer – to hell with it then!!!!!He’s just a wanker full of SHITTTT!!!!!!!!
thanks for the laugh too! hahaha that’s hilarious fake! the whole website is a shame….shame on you!!! fu!
Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Thanks William. You’re the reason we do this, dummkopf
It’s funny how many Rammstein fans are getting their panties in a wad over this article…Good job, Daily Shame! The band itself seems to have a pretty good sense of humour, not sure why the fans don’t get it.
Oh, oh, is this supposed to be funny? Oooohhhh, I get it… Sorry, no I don’t. It’s not funny.
fake, this is not true…
Really? It’s not true? Oh my God!!!
It´s a pity, so a big world and so little sense of humour in it……
Great article! XD
Yea, I died a little bit inside after reading this. I was sad enough to cry myself to sleep but then I had a revalation and realized it was all fake… THANK GOD! This website is crazy funny. As long as Rammstein is not really being Panzie Ass Bitches… Then I am Happy. Rammstein Fur Immer! Thank you for the laugh!
You should all go f*ck yourselves for posting fake news, fat bastards… Rammstein 4Ever!
PS – I am gay
wow for a second i though this was real, then i was like what songs are they talking about
I was a part of their Belgrade’s show on March the 20th,
)
so after having read this I was like WTF?!?!!?
gotta say the article is very funny:)!