Wretched Labour MP Patricia Hewitt allegedly tried to buy colleague Stephen Byers from another colleague by promising Geoff Hoon in exchange. The sordid web of ministerial trading took place as part of a Channel 4 ‘sting’ in which Hewitt was tricked into making the illegal purchase.

The Channel 4 programme, which is deemed “a little too complicated” for the usual Channel 4 audience, and will be dumbed down to a 5-minute voxpop-fest presented by a Geordie, shows Hewitt offering a colleague “a bit of Hoony”, and handing over a prospectus detailing what to do with Geoff Hoon once you take him home.

Hewitt is recorded on camera with a wicked glint in her eye, saying “Yes, sure, I’d love to buy Stephen Byers, this isn’t some scam is it? Well, I can offer you a bit of Hoony, if you know what I mean? He’s a bit thick, but you can just put him in the corner – he’s mostly decorative. You’re sure this isn’t a sting?”

Hewitt then loosened up, kicking off her shoes and gaining an arrogant demeanour, telling the undercover reporters that she wanted her new Byers to “provide entertaining anecdotes at dinner parties”, adding that “you know how difficult it is these days – conversation at dinner parties always gets on to house prices, the end of the Labour government, yadi yadi yadi ya – if I could just buy Stephen, he’d be great entertainment at the table.”

Geoff Hoon was unavailable for comment, although a spokesman for the man they call Buff told reporters that “this undercover journalism is just the kind of scuzzy thing we’re trying to eradicate. Yes, so Patricia trades illegally in disgraced MPs, what’s the problem with that? Geoff is a free to participate or otherwise. In this case, he knew nothing about it, but I’m sure some cash would have come his way. You’re not from the BBC are you? Forget everything I said.”

Byers claimed to be “delighted” at the proposed acquisition by Hewitt, saying that he would “do his utmost” to be of worth to Hewitt, especially since he was likely to be out of a job quite soon: “I’ve been touting myself for ages, so this is a real turn up for the books. Tony Blair didn’t want to buy me – I offered to clean his shoes, but he just kicked me with disdain and told me to crawl out of his house on all fours. I haven’t been back since. So whatever Patricia has in store for me, I’m looking forward to the challenge.”

“I’ve got some juicy stories to tell her dinner guests, so I’ll be worth the money,” he beamed. However, a parliamentary committee is looking into the sick trade, and has already uncovered several other cases of MPs trading each other. Lord McWhingeby, who is leading the inquiry, told the Daily Shame that “this thing runs deep.”

“We can trace it as far back as Edward Heath, when he tried to sell Margaret Thatcher to a couple of Labour MPs. They got scared and backed out – but just think how things might have turned out…”