Newcastle United Chairman Mike Ashley has revealed that the club’s supporters are to be re-named from next season, and will be known as “the M&Ms @ Newcastle United”. The deal, which sees the club pocket a few pounds, will mean that all Newcastle fans will have to refer to themselves as M&Ms.

“It’s a great deal for the club,” beamed Ashley. “Yes, there will be a bedding-in period, where fans will have to get used to being referred to as M&Ms instead of Newcastle fans, but over time, they’ll come to appreciate being referred to as chocolate-covered peanuts, and it represents one of the greatest marketing opportunities we’ve ever had. Imagine – you can say that you’re ‘nuts’ about Newcastle United, and promote a great brand at the same time!”

Ashley, who stands to make a few more pounds out of the deal, came in for criticism last month when he announced that he himself would become known as Pepperoni, changing his name by deed poll, and dressing in a green, plastic wrapper every time he appears in public. The re-branding of Mike Ashley will come into effect at the start of next season, but Newcastle’s fans are fuming about their own name change.

“I wanted to be known as Snickers,” fumed Barry O’atcake from Gateshead. “That bastard Mike Ashley, sorry, Mr Pepperoni, just goes around renaming shit as if it’s going out of fashion, and what for? A few measly pence. Time was when you could go to St. James’s Park, have a pie and a pint and watch the game. Now you go to the Vodafone Megadome @ SportsDirect, sit on a Virgin seat, eat a Ginsters, drink a Foster’s, and watch the match sponsored by Arriva.”

Newcastle Utd fan Ruby Sunday said that she’s looking forward to being known as an M&M, saying “actually, I love ‘em. They’re crunchy, they’re sweet, and they come in all different colours. What’s not to like?”

M&M CEO Trevor Phukwytte told gathered reporters that the re-branding of Newcastle’s fans is a ‘marvellous opportunity’ for brand synergy, saying “the most marketable thing Newcastle United have is their fans – and now they’re known as M&M’s, they can go forward and create extra wealth for us.”

“After this, though, there’s not much left to re-name, apart from the fans’ families, maybe?”