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The Daily Shame | April 24, 2014

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Mumsnet evacuated after Tory alert

Hundreds of middle-class mothers were evacuated from renegade website Mumsnet last night after warnings that senior Tories were on the site. In the first sign of a Tory offensive against Mumsnet, fears of oil slicks and “slippery patches” caused by greasy politicians on the website prompted the site’s founder to sound the alarm, and rescue the mothers from what experts believe could have been a “horrific fate”.

“Several women had to leave their organic carrot bake behind”, said Mumsnet founder Trixiemumof2point4. “That’s how serious it is. We had set the alert level to ‘burnt crimson’ early last week when it was feared that oily Tory MP David Willetts was surfing the site, but that turned out to be a false alarm and we set it back to ‘turquoise’. However, we can’t take risks, and when we heard that David Cameron and a horde of other senior Conservatives were not just clicking on links, but actively participating in forums, we had to evacuate the site.”

“The safety of our mothers is paramount,” she continued. “Imagine the damage these Tories could cause!”

Mothers huddled together offline, unsure of exactly who was on the site or the extent of the damage that they might cause. One, friskymum77, wrote that “none of us are safe. I just want to bring up little Tarquin in a safe, organic Tory-free environment. I don’t want to click on a link and find myself in a pool of Tory oil slick, gasping for air. It was OK when there was just one MP online, we could join forces and bully the crap out of him, but when the whole shadow cabinet is on there, safety comes first.”

Mum of 3, Yummyma81, was one of the mothers involved in a close call with Shadow Chancellor George Osborne. “It was horrible,” she sobbed. “There I was, happily chatting away about the benefits of Boden silk nappy liners for little Olivia, and up pops this horrifying figure, all shadowy and oily – before I knew it, he was asking me questions, interrogating me about which way I intended to vote and for all I know, he was going to frisk me and ask me to get involved in some kind of wierd Tory sex game. That’s what they do isn’t it? Anyway, I went dizzy and passed out – the next thing I knew, I was being comforted by some of the great mothers on there, who gave me some organic apple and cinnamon smoothie to bring me round.”

Junior Tories have been issued with pamphlets on how to “woo” middle-class mothers, which include turning up on mumsnet and asking which items from the Boden catalogue are “in” at this time of year, and referring to their wives as DW. One young Conservative said that going on Mumsnet was the “damn scariest thing” he’s ever had to do, and that includes “the ritual sacrifice of a goat at the altar of Margaret Thatcher” at the Young Conservatives Conference each year.

Wiping the oil from his forehead, he continued: “we’re sorry if we scared the mumsnet mothers, but Dave told us that if we didn’t each bag at least five of them before the election, he’d personally give us an Eton-style flogging.”

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