Cross-channel relations are at an all-time low as Shytte-on-Sea mayor Winston Cumbersome tore up the twin town agreement between his town and the French village of Coquine-sur-Yvette. The discovery that Coquine had twinned itself with at least five other towns left Cumbersome in despair, with “no alternative” but to find a more “loyal” twin town for Shytte-on-Sea.

“I was dumbstruck,” said Cumbersome. “I was taking the local schoolchildren on an exchange visit, and we had arrived a day early in Coquine-sur-Yvette, only to find that the sign that usually says ‘ville jumelée Shytte-on-Sea’ was not there. Instead, we were about fourth on a huge list of other twin towns, including Arschwurst in Germany – a town we ourselves turned down in favour of Coquine!”

“So I marched straight up to the mairie and demanded to know what was going on. What did I find? The mayor was ‘having coffee’ with an African tribal chief. He looked guilty – as well he might. Said that I was very important to him but he couldn’t see me today as he had ‘other appointments’. I was quite hurt. The African guy seemed quite surprised as well.”

Cumbersome and his delegation demanded “immediate talks” with the mayor. However, due to national holidays, the town hall was closed for the entire week, and the mayor went on holiday while the rest of his staff went on strike. Residents of Coquine, however, say that it is “quite normal” to have at least twenty twin towns.

Local cafe owner Arnaud Salutcherie told the Daily Shame that “you English, you think that when a town twins with another one, it is for life. Yes, OK, so when you visit, we replace the signs, and we’ve hidden a lot from you over the years, such as our brief flirtation with your neighbouring town, Trollope, but there’s nothing wrong with extra-civic relationships. In fact, they make our relationship with Shytte-on-Sea even healthier than before! When we come to visit you, we’re even more passionate about your town because we’ve had relationships with other towns. But no, you English, you’re so obsessed with yourselves, it’s just moi, moi, moi.”

Local boulangere Mme Agnes Chouquette said that Coquine should never tie itself down to one town: “It’s not a case of infidelity or disloyalty – we’re as loyal as we ever were, only we’re sharing our loyalty with Arschwurst, Poughkeepsie, Boolongabba, and… hang on… oh, I forget their names. There have been so many.”

Coquine-sur-Yvette mayor Pierre Manquedecouilles shrugged off the whole affair by offering to take the Shytte-on-Sea mayor out for dinner at the local restaurant, Le Bistrot des Salopes. He told reporters: “It is unfortunate that we neglected to tell the English they were not the only ones. But we cannot be tied down to just one twin town. Perhaps, though, this will be the start of a whole new kind of relationship – more open, more willing to experiment.”

Cumbersome and his delegation, however, were unwilling to be seduced, and tore up the twin town agreement immediately. “We have no intention of staying in an unequal relationship,” he fumed. “Maybe we need some time alone before going back into another civic partnership. Some time to sort our heads out.”