A local man is today recovering after being beaten up over his alleged ambiguity over Heather Mills. A heated conversation at the Wyvern pub in Shytte-on-Sea turned ugly as painter and decorator Carlos Pipedream refused to rule out the possibility that she was not the spawn of Satan.

“I stand by what I said,” insisted Pipedream, struggling to overcome the pain of his beating. “I have absolutely no opinion whatsoever on Heather Mills, and I don’t see why I should have one. I don’t care about her, and therefore, I cannot be definitive as to whether she is or is not the spawn of Satan. I also cannot comment on whether she eats small children for breakfast, and I cannot tell you whether her wooden leg is ethically sourced or not. I have other things to think about – but those other things got me into trouble last night.”

The conversation started around 8pm, and local publican Tony Underwater said that Pipedream’s ambiguity was always going to get him into trouble: “He came in here last month insisting that he didn’t care what Carol Vorderman says. I tell you what, you could cut the air with a knife – it was like one of them westerns where the bad guy walks into the saloon. Personally, I dropped the pint glass I was holding, I was so shocked.”

“There he is, all blase and ambiguous, not giving a toss, if you like. And last night, well – all he had to do was play along.”

The trouble started when pub regular and self-confessed hooligan Wayne Bannerman kicked off a conversation about the pure evil that is Heather Mills. Launching into one of his invectives, Bannerman outlined the reasons for the burning of Heather Mills at the stake, from her terrible abuse of the annoying millionnaire Paul McCartney to the way she abused a profiteering nanny with words that should be reserved for after the watershed.

“She’s a bitch, simple as that,” insisted Bannerman afterwards. “Carlos just sat there, sipping from his pint, and when it came to his turn to slag the bitch off, he wouldn’t. He just sat there saying ‘I don’t know who she is, so I can’t comment’. Well I just laughed and said – hey, mate, calm down, cut the crap and just be a reactionary loon for once in your life. Just participate in the ritual slagging off of this spawn of Satan, and he said, and I’ll quote you this verbatim, right – ‘I cannot say for certain that she is the spawn of Satan’. Well – that just got my blood boiling.”

“So I turned over the table and invited him outside. He wouldn’t go outside, as he said it was cold, so I clobbered him there and then. Everyone joined in, because we all know that Mills was spawned by Beelzebub and she deserves to be shot at dawn. Anyone who disagrees is just plain wrong.”

Satan himself weighed into the dispute, saying that he “could not be sure either” that Mills was of his own spawn, saying “you know what, I’m a busy man. I get around, what can I say? Maybe she is, maybe she ain’t. What I can say is that I watched the fight at the Wyvern last night, and I enjoyed it very much.”

Pipedream, however, convalesces at his home in Shytte-on-Sea, and insists on his ambiguity. “I still don’t care about her, and nor do I care about those stupid drugs like Methodrone, X-Factor or Dancing on Ice. And if I get beaten up over it, well I still don’t care.”