Yesterday’s grudge match between Shytte Rovers and Oxminster Acne ended 0-0 as all 22 players refused to acknowledge each other. A string of feuds and rivalries spilled over into a bitch-fest of blanking and pretending not to notice each other.

Shytte centre-forward Darren ‘Tubby’ Tumor spent the entire 90 minutes sat in the centre-circle, refusing to play with midfielder Kevin Queerfolk, who he accused of stealing his pint the previous night at the local pub. He explained to reporters afterwards: “Kevin already had a pint, which, I might add – someone had already bought him. He just waited until I went to the toilet to nick mine. That’s low. Very low. I don’t see how we can play in the same team any more.”

Left-back Barry Basildon yesterday withdrew himself from any possible selection by England manager Fabio Capello, stating that “there’s no way that I’d play alongside Alan Gangrene any more – if he’s selected for England, that is. That bastard still owes me a fiver from last week. Will I ever get it back? I doubt that very much. So Mr Capello – please accept my retirement from potentially playing international football.”

Gangrene, Shytte’s right-wing dynamo, was blanked by the whole side as the rift between the two players threatened to blow the team apart. Absolutely nobody shook his hand before the game, and Gangrene afterwards was unrepentant: “I told him he’d get his fiver once we’d got our match fee, but no, he had to have it before the game. I reckon I’ll ask for a transfer to another pub team.”

The only highlight of the game came after thirty minutes when one of the players accidentally forgot about his feud with everyone else and ran half the length of the pitch before pulling up and apologising – an apology that was roundly ignored. Both Shytte fans applauded heartily, however, saying that the mazy dribble around the static Acne defence was “worth the entrance money alone”.

Referee Johnny “Red Card” Walton claimed afterwards that it was the toughest match he has ever refereed, saying “I’ve always got one or two red cards to hand out – but this match was awful – nothing happened? I spent half my time trying to convince them to start moving or at least kick the ball, but they wouldn’t. In fact, the Acne centre-half wouldn’t talk to me at all because I’m sleeping with his mother.”