BBC’s Masterchef continues to plumb new depths. In last night’s episode, producers were forced to apologise after completely forgetting the food. It was a 30-minute testosterone fest of contestants telling us how much they wanted to win it, and how much they were up for it – but where was the nosh? We got to see that fat bald fella filling his ugly face and talking about “flavour” at least fifteen times per sentence, while the Australian one just talked about how crap it all was, before switching to more headshots of contestants saying “I really want this so much.”

The new challenge of cooking while being continually berated by a Gordon Ramsey lookalike just smacks of cheap TV, though. Yes, I can see that it adds to the pressure the contestants are under, but for a few quid extra, they could have had the real Gordon Ramsey.

Much more satisfying was ITV2’s take on the format, Mastercunt in which contestants are put through a number of challenges to prove what an absolute twat they are. It’s great TV and I heartily recommend it, if not just for contestant Gary, whose winning streak continued after he mugged a granny in broad daylight. Fantastic telly! Host Fearne Cotton was in raptures when he followed that task up by taking a shit on the London underground, horrifying fellow passengers, and then proceeding to berate all the other contestants in the now obligatory swear-off at the end of the show. When he called Hugo a “po-faced slack-jawed ponce with huge nonce potential”, a little pee came out, I laughed so hard.

I can’t wait for Mastercunt the DVD to come out with all the best bits and the added extras, including a promised “interactive Gary”, which is going to be great fun. Last night’s loser Samantha turned out to be far too nice, refusing to mug the granny and then making a horrific mistake by complimenting a passer-by on their hairdo. Fail!

I’m not entirely sure what I make of Channel 4’s new show Come Shag With Me, but it’s certainly entertaining viewing, if nothing else. The premise is simple – four people sleep with each other and then score the host on the way home in the taxi while Dave Lamb makes wry comments about them, such as “He’s on a mission – a missionary!” or “the night’s turning out to be a flop for father of 3 Jim – in more ways than one!”

While Jim failed to get it up, he still managed to score a respectable 25 from his sex guests – notably for setting the mood with all those candles and having the good grace to offer them a shower and an After Eight mint. Nymphomaniac Maria, however, got it all wrong, scaring the crap out of the fellas by jumping on them the minute they got in the door. Wrong, Maria, just wrong.

BBC2’s Biggins Watch continues to be captivating viewing. This week, Bill Oddie nearly jumped out of his pants when Christopher Biggins appeared to notice him Biggins-watching from the bushes, but the former Goodie was saved when Biggins noticed a half-eaten packet of crisps on a park bench nearby and was distracted. Biggins has only just come out of hibernation, so it’s an ideal time for Biggins Watch to resume. He looks dazed and confused most of the time, which is part of the entertainment.

Bill Oddie, however, is getting more and more bizarre by the day. Yesterday, it took him ten minutes to notice that he was only presenting in his underpants, and then he proceeded to berate co-presenter Tess Daly for not knowing about Christopher Biggins’ third nipple, live on air.