One of horse racing’s greatest rivalries has deepened with news that Kauto Star and Denman no longer even acknowledge each other. The two rivals for the Gold Cup at Cheltenham have all but abandoned any pretence of friendship after Denman was seen sharing sugar lumps with Kauto Star’s mare-friend.

“That bastard has been trying it on with my mare,” said Kauto Star yesterday at his stable. “Not that we’ve got it on or anything, but we’ve run around the field a few times, if you get my drift. Denman knows that this mare and I have got something going – something strong, you know? When I jump those hurdles, I jump them for her. And there he is – all muscles and bluster – sharing sugar lumps with her. She hasn’t even called me since.”

“He’s just a flash dan. He’s got his own mare in the next field, not that he treats her like a mare or anything – maybe I should try it on with her?”

Trainer Paul Nicholls admits that the two have been causing him some headaches before the big race. “Denman was in a mood because Kauto Star nicked some of his hay last week. There he was, stomping around his stable like a big kid, and now they don’t even look at each other. Frankly, I’m sick of it.”

Preparations for the Gold Cup next week have been thrown into disarray after Kauto Star refused to travel with Denman, while Denman has threatened to leave home: “If you think I’m sticking around with that little ponce, you’ve got another thing coming,” he raged last week.

“So I gave his bird a sugar lump – so bloody what – that’s no reason to go nicking my hay. That’s my bloody hay – I’d been saving that for after a run in the field and I was well looking forward to it, and that scoffing bastard nicks off with it – AND he leaves a fresh batch of manure in the corner as a calling card.”

“He just goes on and on about his mare,” he continued. “But I’m more interested in them fillies on the flat. Yeah, they’re a bit thick, like, but there’s nothing better than a proper thoroughbred. Phwoooar.”

Racing expert and all-round tit John McCririck said that the rivalry between the two should be solved at a round-stable summit: “Just take them out together for a bit of grooming and a bucket of water, and show ‘em a few more mares – they’ll soon put this feud behind them.”