Randy South African President Jacob Zuma has failed in an attempt to impregnate the Queen, despite being egged on by Prince Phillip. “Go on, give her a go”, roared the Queen’s husband, bottle of gin in one hand, cigar in the other. The Queen, however, was stoic, refusing to become the South African President’s eightieth wife.

“She was not impressed,” said an insider at Buckingham Palace. “Mr Zuma was coming on strongly, making all kinds of suggestions – in fact, he was quite a charmer at first, but then he just got lewd and suggestive – and there’s no way Betty would have anything to do with him. However, he did manage to marry five of the staff downstairs in a whirlwind session of lovemaking and contractuals, so fair play to him.”

Sources close to the Queen say that Zuma made his first approach at the dinner table, asking the Queen if she fancied “a bit of how’s your father”, which was rebuffed with a “never you mind you dirty little man.” The libidinous President would not take no for an answer, however, and continued to press, asking the Queen how she liked it, and whether she’d prefer just to be a “second grade wife”, Zuma’s pet name for his “reserve team” of wives, whom he visits only on rare occasions. Over dessert, Zuma made his pitch for the Queen to become one of his wives, handing her a brochure, a prospectus, and an enquiry form that she would have to fill out. He waved the pen in front of her, saying “I’ll even let you keep the pen – you’re special.” The Queen refused to sign.

On the croquet lawn, Zuma persisted, making suggestive swings of the croquet mallet at the Queen, who looked away in disgust. Prince Phillip then slapped him on the back, asked him if he wanted a drink, and told him to “keep plugging away,” adding: “that’s how I got her, old boy.” Indeed, the two appeared to strike quite a friendship.

The Queen then locked herself away in her bedroom while Zuma humped the door knob, apparently blocking out the noise with her iPod. Zuma gave up at approximately 3am, and left, only to send dirty text messages throughout the early hours of the morning.

A spokesman for Jacob Zuma told reporters that “Jacob is a man, like any other, only more so. He needs his oats, so to speak – if we have caused offence, we apologise. However, Jacob has amassed a stunning 32 brides so far in his visit to the UK, and we hope that he has spread his seed sufficiently for us to move on to the next country.”