The village of Bisous-sur-Fesses in Normandy is today in shock after three people were killed and five more injured at the unveiling of a new cheese. The cheese, Chaussettes de Fesses, has officially been labelled the smelliest cheese in the world by the Institute de Fromages qui Puent, and has been quarantined until further notice.

“It was not the reaction I was expecting,” explained local dairy farmer Marcel Vachequirit. “The cheese is beautiful, perhaps my finest ever cheese, and yes – I admit – it does have quite a tang, but the mortality rate so far is astonishing.”

Vachquirit explained that the cheese-making process for Chaussettes de Fesses is slightly different, and according to EU law, may actually be illegal. The milk is allowed to ferment for 60 days before being fed through a pig’s bladder and steamed in the belly of a goat, which is local tradition. It is then allowed to ‘rest’ in the open air for a further two weeks before the resulting cheese is then stored in old, unwashed socks for a further 24 days.

After the sock storage, the cheese is then insulted for a minimum period of two hours – a process that Vachquirit believes gives the cheese its rather sour, unfriendly edge.

“It is a process that I have researched and honed to perfection,” said Vachequirit. “And maybe those EU commissioners won’t like it, but when they catch that first smell – they’ll be hooked. I eat nothing but Chaussettes de Fesses. In the morning, I have it on my toast. For lunch, I have it with some grapes, and in the evening, I melt it in the oven and eat it with baguette. Yes, it’s true, the local government has placed a three-mile no-go zone around my farm, and even my wife has to wear a gas mask, but for the taste, it’s worth it.”

The local prefecture demanded that an exclusion zone be placed around the farm, and have called for anyone known to have made contact with the cheese to report themselves immediately to the local hospital for a deep clean.

The mayor of Bisous told reporters: “The situation is urgent. Three people have already died, and several more are in hospital. We have to find a way of eating this cheese without people dying, because the cheese, this beautiful cheese, it smells better than your smelliest Epoisses, ranker than your rankest Munster, reekier than your reekiest Brie de Meaux. It’s cheese heaven, and we have to have some, we have to have it now. We can smell it wafting from the farm, even with the three-mile exclusion zone placed around it. We all want a taste, and we’ve applied for Chaussettes de Fesses to be protected as a national institution.”

In fact, the village has witnessed a sudden increase in the number of tourists, notably thrill-seekers, looking to experience the cheese. Japanese Francophile and cheese-fan Mi Sukichizi said that he has “travelled thousands of miles just for this moment”, adding that he “could smell it from the airport”.

In the meantime, Monsieur Vachequirit continues his lonesome cheese-side vigil, estranged from the villagers who not only fear for their safety, but long for a slice of his famous fromage.