Customer-friendly thieves in Liverpool have left behind “Burglary satisfaction surveys” at houses they have broken into in an attempt to improve the image of burglars in the city.

The Arboretum family from the Bootle area of Merseyside said that they woke up to find their TV, jewellery and game station gone, but found a burglary satisfaction survey waiting to be filled out, on the table.

“They even left a pen,” said father Arnold. “That softened the blow, I have to say. If you’re going to get burgled, this is a nice way of helping people deal with it. I was very chuffed, actually.”

The survey asks burgled families a number of questions such as

• “Did your burglar leave behind any muddy footprints?”
• “Did your burglar collect all remote control handsets?”
• “Was your sleep affected in any way by your burglary?”
• “Would you recommend our burglary services to your neighbours?”, and…
• “On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your burglary tonight?”

“This was a tip-top burglary,” admitted Gretchen Arboretum. “I’ve got to say, we’ve been burgled seven times now, and this time, there were no muddy footprints, no fingerprints and no breakages – they even drew the curtains, which I had forgotten to do, and cleaned up after themselves. I’m very impressed.”

Burglars in Liverpool have upped their game, recognising competition in the burglary marketplace. Felix Voleur, CEO of Birkenhead Burglaries Ltd., said that house owners are now looking for a more customer-friendly burglary service:

“We’ve come a long way in improving the image of your average burglar. No longer is he seen as an evil man wearing black and white hooped jumpers with a swag bag over his shoulder. Our executive burglars will visit you while you’re asleep, they guarantee that you won’t be woken by screeching car tyres or broken windows, and they leave your house in immaculate condition.”

Voleur’s organisation offer several levels of burglary on their website, from a “no frills” burglary right through to a “platinum level burglary”, which can be reserved online for a small fee.

“We just wanted to take the hassle out of being burgled,” said Voleur. “With a platinum-level burglary, you get to choose when we burgle you, you specify a number of valuable items, and we promise not to break anything. You could, of course, opt for a no-frills burglary, which is free of charge, but you don’t get our no-breakages guarantee. It’s up to the customer, you see, and that’s the value you get from being burgled with us.”

Voleur has grand plans, including a diversification into mugging, rape and arson, all of which can soon be booked online in advance of a visit to Liverpool.