Senior canines have called upon the government to microchip dangerous human beings, who they claim to be a “menace to dog society”. The proposal was made at a Crufts round-table discussion on the future of canine-human relations.

“Basically, some of them are nutters,” said Mr Fluffy, a 6-year-old Poodle from Camberley, Surrey. “I mean, my owner’s OK – she’s in her sixties and wouldn’t harm a fly – but you see them hanging around on street corners with these things hanging out of their mouths, making all these strange noises. If I did that, I tell you what, they’d put me down!”

Rex, a 4-year-old Labrador, barked his agreement, adding that “the Dangerous Humans act should be enacted as soon as possible. I sniffed one the other day who had clearly peed himself, and he was foaming at the mouth. Drinking in public, too – these humans should be microchipped so that we can tell where they are at all times. They disgust me.”

A number of dogs were in agreement that some kind of limit to human breeding should be put in place, with a maximum of two offspring per human couple.

Rex continued: “They breed like crazy in some places – I saw one woman who had a litter of about seven or eight. I mean, I’ve never looked, but how many teets has she got? No one human can have enough milk for that many kids. What we need is some kind of control on human reproduction, and looking at some of them, I think we need to stop them from in-breeding. All those funny chins and wonky ears? Yeah, it might work for us dogs, but humans?”

The round-table discussion carried on long into the night, with proposals being made for the most dangerous humans to be muzzled, a proposal that was agreed upon unanimously, after it was revealed that dogs actually do understand swearing.

“I hate their foul language,” said Minxy, a Yorkshire Terrier from Basingstoke. “F- this and f-that, you’re a c-, you’re a w-, they should be muzzled until they learn their lesson. I go mad when they talk to me like that. And while I’m on the topic, I can’t bear human-fighting. The idea of putting two humans in a ring together to fight just makes me sick.”

One topic that remained unresolved was the suggestion from some of the bigger dogs that more dangerous humans should be subject to the same castration rules as dogs.

Mr Killer, a 7-year-old Rottweiller from Blackpool, said “they cut my balls off because they thought it would calm me down – well I tell you what – I’m in a fucking big rage about it – after 6 years without balls, I’m still seething. Some of those humans who hang around on my street corner with their cans of frothy yellow stuff and those cigarettes – cut their nads off and see how they like it. Grrrrrrrrrr.”