Thousands of Americans are today living in fear of a now inevitable visit to the doctor. Barack Obama’s Healthcare bill was supposed to be a landmark victory for the majority of Americans, yet those who were previously unable to pay for their own healthcare are now voicing their fears.

“Heck man, the doctor scares me,” admitted Jethro Tallyhoe from Arkansas. At least before, when I couldn’t afford to have my arm amputated, I didn’t have to go and see a doctor. I just swigged a bottle of JD and cut it off myself. You see this eyepatch? Home-made with cardboard boxes from Wal-mart.”

“This crutch? I made it myself from the little plastic bits of my daughter’s play house. We’re patriotic, resourceful Americans, and we’ve never had to go see some doctor before – we don’t want to be forced to go see one now.”

Thousands of protestors flooded the streets this morning with placards claiming “I’m fine, it’s just a paper cut”, and “It’s nothing, I’ll live, leave me alone you socialist bastards”. At one stage, the demonstration got violent as police were pelted with discarded limbs.

Tea Party leader Sarah Palin was at the demonstration, and was disappointed to have been held back by police officers after she brandished a rifle. She told reporters: “these people are free – free to be shot at, and free to let their limbs fall off through gangrene. Do I want this law repealed? You betcha! Do I want to help these poor people avoid the doctor? Heckfire yes!”

“Barack Obama’s got it all wrong,” said one-legged mother of sixteen Betsy Kowalski, from Kansas City. “I delivered all of my sixteen children myself and dagnarnit, I ain’t going to let some quack get involved this time. When my littlest child Panzer was born, he had all kinda diseases, but did we go see a doctor? Shit man, no, we could never have afforded a doctor – we just told Panzer ‘hey dude, get over it, this turnin’ green thing is perfectly normal for a child your age’, and you know what? He’s fine. Yeah sure, he’s 5 years old and still green, but we don’t need no doctor or no hospital.”

Fox News today defended those trying to avoid a visit to the doctor by claiming that it was “every god-fearing, red-blooded, patriotic American’s right to be violently ill, unable to pay insurance and not see a doctor.” Glenn Beck continued: “shit man, Barack Commie Obama is literally forcing thousands of sick people to go to see some quack or other – and you and I are paying for it! These country-lovin’ people should be free, and if that means no doctor, then heckfire man, that means no doctor! We should be free from being told to say ‘aaaah’ with a stick down our mouths, we should be free from some quack tellin’ us our temperature, free from some dentist tellin’ us we ain’t got no teeth left, and free from havin’ some quack shining lights in our eyes.”

With tears in his eyes, he concluded, “free… free to let our arms fall off if we want them to.”