Senior felines have called for a crackdown on cat drug “catnip” after two more teenage cats were found in a near-comatose state, frothing at the mouth. The drug, otherwise known as “yeehaw” or “meow” has reached alarming levels of popularity, with sales of nepeta cataria rocketing.

“People think it’s glamorous,” said Head of Feline Drug Research, Mr Tiddles. “But catnip is a killer, just like methodrone, LSD and dogs. Or at least, it could be. As cats, we need to keep our heads clear so that we can focus on more feline activities, like trying to murder our owners or persuading them to give us more food. A cat on catnip is a useless cat – he just lolls around like some drug-addled feline lunatic, and we can’t have that.”

“We’re calling for a total ban on catnip,” he continued. “Otherwise the collapse of cat civilisation as we know it is imminent.”

However, young cats have called for the drug to be freely available over the counter. Cat nightclub owner and catnip dealer, Furball, told reporters that “we all love a bit of catnip every now and again – and it’s purely recreational. We advocate moderate use of meow as we call it here. Making it illegal will only take it underground.”

Catnip-taker Mong Mong, from number 31, said that he “just loved that minty tang”, adding that “I just can’t get enough of it. That first lick – the first sniff – there’s nothing like it in the world. It’s like you take your best ever orgasm and multiply it by 10,000 and you’re still nowhere near. Then you rub yourself with a bit of catnip, roll over and you’re gone – far gone – in a world where nothing else matters but the enjoyment of catnip.

“Oh, man, I wrote a poem about it last week. That feeling of floating through a pink and yellow sky, with rivers of milk and Kitekat that grows on trees – it just takes you away from the mundane, every day, feline existence that we all have to endure – the eating, the sleeping, the eating, the sleeping, the never-ending cycle of eat, sleep, eat, sleep – and you can live – just live, man.”

However, Charliepoohs, who works at the Feline Rehabilitation Centre at number 12, claims that catnip is ruining lives: “I’ve had cats in here asking to be saved – they’re hooked on the stuff and can’t ween themselves off it. They think it’s glamorous – the young cats immediately associate it with being a cool cat, but they soon find out that despite it being a ‘legal high’, it’s more of a ‘low’. So they come here for help – eventually we give them a catnip patch, and we let them know that support is available 24/7, 365 days a year. We don’t celebrate Christmas.”

“Mong Mong has been in and out of here more times than I care to mention,” he continued. “He’s always down at Furball’s, smoking the stuff or just drinking it in tea. We thought he was over the worst of it, but he’s chosen catnip instead of choosing life. Sometimes, there’s nothing we can do. It breaks my heart, it really does.”