Boffins at Apple have unveiled the latest iPhone app that helps Chinese factory managers calculate exactly how many hours a 5-year-old can work at maximum productivity. The app has a wealth of additional features that make it, according to Apple, a “must have” for Apple supplier factory managers all over the far east.

App developer Simon Nerdlinger unveiled his creation at a glitzy ceremony in his bedroom / living room in Watling. “It’s going to revolutionise how sweatshops work,” he beamed. “Before, a sweatshop owner would have to think to himself – hey, this 5-year-old is working 72 hours a week, but the truth is, I can make him work 80, maybe 90. That’s just how good the app is.”

“Basically, he just keys in the age of the worker, the job role – you know, which could be welding on parts, it could be fetching tea, it could be stitching together those fancy little iPod pouches – and the app tells him how many hours a week the child can work before falling over through exhaustion. It’s brilliant – what’s more, you can shake it and there’s a little image of an infant sweatshop worker falling from his seat through tiredness. Hilarious! I laughed my arse off designing that.”

The app can also be used to prod slacking children, as it emits a small electric shock as it vibrates. Factory managers can approach the child and startle them back into productive mode. An additional feature also helps managers calculate which children are not pulling their weight – a complicated formula that Nerdlinger admits took him several weeks to write:

“You have to think about so many variables – the product being made, the hours already worked in the week, the child’s motivation, i.e. how much is he earning – you just pop all that information into the handy little calculator and it can say that, for example, little Li Bong Wong or whatever he’s called, he’s working at 80% capacity, and Wang Mung Bung or whatever, he’s working at 50% capacity. So really, it’s a great little efficiency tool for all of Apple’s suppliers.”