Anglican extremists (pictured above) today stepped up their campaign of terror by unleashing a computer virus that infects the hard drives of Windows users. The worm, which is described as “mildly irksome” by computer experts, causes systems to flash up messages such as “follow the path of God or I shall give you a mild scolding”.

Dutch virus expert Herr Phillip Menke told the Daily Shame that the virus could cause “split seconds of annoyance” to users, adding that “most users probably won’t notice it, but those who do will be somewhat miffed.”

The virus has baffled many experts, who have noticed that after leaving two or three short messages, it apologises to the user and uninstalls itself, leaving absolutely no trace on the user’s computer. In fact, in some cases, a mutated version of the worm has actually left several messages of apology, de-fragmented the user’s hard drive, corrected problems in the registry, and offered to make a cup of tea.

Menke continued: “We’ve had dealings with Anglican extremists before, and we take them very seriously. Only last month, we had to severely reprimand a vicar for spamming people with messages saying “come to church or I shall cry” and “accept Jesus was right or I’ll beat my pulpit moderately”. It’s amazing. Since they’ve learned to use computers, they’ve become strangely active.”

Only last week, extremist vicar Terrence Godbotherer-Jones posted a chilling message on video website Youtube threatening a “war of mild panic” against those who refuse to follow the Anglican faith. Dressed in a balaclava and his usual vicar’s attire, Godbotherer-Jones told viewers: “Our cause is a just one, and we shall deny tea and cake to those who refuse to come to our poetry evening next Wednesday. We may even ignore them when we see them in the street. Don’t say you haven’t been warned.”

Several Anglican extremists thought to be linked to Godbotherer-Jones were seen fleeing a tea room last week after leaving threatening pamphlets advising people to “at least try Church once”. Terrified tea drinkers were offered counselling and free cakes. One witness said that “they scare me, these Anglican extremists. One minute they’re sat there having a cup of tea, and the next they’re looking menacingly at you as if you’ve never been to church in your life. This woman with blue hair – she got up out of her chair as if she had a bomb strapped to her waist, grabbed her walking frame as if she was about to use it as a weapon and I thought – that’s it – I’m a goner. She slammed the pamphlet down on a table and legged it.”

Terrorist experts say that they are making progress in inflitrating Godbotherer-Jones’ terrorist training camp in Little Shytte. Head of the Anglican Terrorism Unit Brian Wardrobe-Freshener said that “already we’ve sent in undercover agents and have found some quite shocking evidence of future terror campaigns. We managed to prevent a heinous plan to replace the tea room’s sugar with salt, but this move to cyber terrorism is a real shock to us. We had no idea they knew how to even switch the computers on!”