In what has been described as a “major shrug of the shoulders” for non-Sun readers, 59,900,000 people have today not signed a petition calling for the public lynching of Jon Venables.

Non-Sun reader Bob Bohemia from Cheltenham told the Daily Shame that he has “never picked up a copy of the Sun in his life”, and that he therefore could speak on behalf of the 59,900,000 people who did not sign the petition.

“That’s a lot of people,” he continued. “You’ve really got to listen to that many people, haven’t you. I mean, that fella, Pol Pot, he murdered a few million, but imagine if he murdered 59,900,000, now that would get people talking. So for 59,900,000 people not to sign a petition, well that’s a pretty strong message.”

“That’s only counting people in the UK – I’m not counting everyone in France, Germany, the US – well, I could go on.”

Another non-Sun reader, Barabbas Goodridge from North Shytte, said that she didn’t really care much what Jon Venables was up to, or where he was, and even expressed surprise at there actually being a petition: “What? Who? Jon Venables? Well I’m happy that I’m in the majority of 59,900,000 non-reactionary loons who didn’t sign it. Frankly, I have more important things to do, such as perm my nasal hair. Now, if you don’t mind…”

Sun editor Dominic Noham said that the silent majority should just “shut up”, and continued his 24-hour vigil chained to Carol Vorderman, outside the prison which houses Jon Venables. However, even Noham was showing signs of strain:

“She’s doing my nut in,” he admitted. “I mean, I’m as much a reactionary loon as the next reactionary loon, unless the next reactionary loon is this leathery-skinned harpie who’s good with numbers. She puts us all to shame, with that shrill whine about her right to know everything – what is this right to know stuff? We didn’t start that, did we? Shit. I almost wish that I was one of the 59,900,000 people who didn’t sign that petition – anything to be away from Vorderman.”