Vladimir Putin “Too much truth here. Kill the journalist.”
Sarah PALIN “Do I come here for the truth? You betcha!”
Hundreds of middle-class mothers were evacuated from renegade website Mumsnet last night after warnings that senior Tories were on the site. In the first sign of a Tory offensive against Mumsnet, fears of oil slicks and “slippery patches” caused by greasy politicians on the website prompted the site’s founder to sound the alarm, and rescue the mothers from what experts believe could have been a “horrific fate”.
One of horse racing’s greatest rivalries has deepened with news that Kauto Star and Denman no longer even acknowledge each other. The two rivals for the Gold Cup at Cheltenham have all but abandoned any pretence of friendship after Denman was seen sharing sugar lumps with Kauto Star’s mare-friend.
Andrew Lloyd Weber has promised his fans that his latest show, Love Never Dies, will be a “whole new kind of awful”. The wretched producer told reporters yesterday that he plans to redefine the very nature of the word ‘revolting’.
An influential Vegetarian think tank has called for bacon to be reclassified as a vegetable. The Vegetarian Action Group Influencing New Action (VAGINA), have called upon the government to act quickly.
Police have warned office workers to stay at home as the renowned “PowerPoint murderer” claimed his 8th victim yesterday afternoon. A man in his forties was found slumped over his desk as an endless loop of 83 slides with phased animation told its own grisly story.
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi today unveiled his new 36C breasts, which he claims will make him more of a man. The randy PM got his new knockers out for the press, and claimed that he is now spending “even more time in front of the mirror”.
It was originally meant to be a motivational update on quarterly sales figures, but it turned out to be a grammatical nightmare for Shamcock Management Facilities’ CEO Bradley Eldershaft. Employees disgruntled at a continuous usage of nouns as verbs, such as incentivise, diarise and softwareise, voiced their discontent, forcing Eldershaft to make a formal apology to employees and shareholders.
The Voice of Vorderman: Residents of Camberley are right – there should be no Mosque in their town! This is yet another example of Broken Britain – where asylum seekers and Muslims can just waltz in, knock down our beautiful Victorian buildings and build their own spaceship buildings which have absolutely no style whatsoever.
Boffins at Apple have unveiled the latest iPhone app that helps Chinese factory managers calculate exactly how many hours a 5-year-old can work at maximum productivity. The app has a wealth of additional features that make it, according to apple, a “must have” for Apple supplier factory managers all over the far east.
A survey published today shows worrying signs for the British economy, as at least 40% of new graduates are planning to go abroad in search of greater slacking opportunities. The revelation comes as news that the job market is opening up, and many new graduates are afraid for their unemployment.
Daily Star Blames Muslims For Rain
Latest Al Qaeda recruitment video “basically a Justin Bieber video” say experts
Gadaffi restores Libya internet access to check comparethemercenary.com
BBC Asian Network “not doing enough to attract white, middle class listeners”
Wikileaks urged not to publish plot to Cats and Dogs 3: Feline Good
UK economy losing billions due to time lost by employees “pausing for effect”
France grinds to a halt as nation asked to work until 5:05pm
