Vladimir Putin “Too much truth here. Kill the journalist.”
Sarah PALIN “Do I come here for the truth? You betcha!”
A local man is today recovering after being beaten up over his alleged ambiguity over Heather Mills. A heated conversation at the Wyvern pub in Shytte-on-Sea turned ugly as painter and decorator Carlos Pipedream refused to rule out the possibility that she was not the spawn of Satan.
Newspapers have seen secret government plans to extend the month of April in order to postpone the looming general Election. Labour’s position in the opinion polls has been improving of late and the move is seen as an attempt to build momentum prior to polling day.
Newcastle United Chairman Mike Ashley has revealed that the club’s supporters are to be re-named from next season, and will be known as “the M&Ms @ Newcastle United”. The deal, which sees the club pocket a few pounds, will mean that all Newcastle fans will have to refer to themselves as M&Ms.
They thought they had lost each other forever – Alf Norkfest and Betty Relish were members of Friends Reunited, a deserted, barren website that was popular back in the early 1990s. Now in their 70s, the pair were reunited on friendsreunitedreunited.com, a site for long lost Friends Reunited contacts.
Terrorist organisation Al-Qaeda has announced that 2,000 jobs are to go, mostly in its Western Europe Terrorism Division. The cut-backs, announced yesterday, are part of a scheme to streamline Al-Qaeda’s operations and help it maintain its position as the world’s “number one terrorist network”.
Downing Street insiders have revealed that Labour’s five election pledges were written hastily in a taxi on the way to the press conference because Gordon Brown “fell asleep in front of the TV”, and forgot to finish them. Despite promising colleagues that he was on the verge of “something brilliant”, the pledges were written during the ten-minute drive to the conference centre.
The village of Bisous-sur-Fesses in Normandy is today in shock after three people were killed and five more injured at the unveiling of a new cheese. The cheese, Chaussettes de Fesses, has officially been labelled the smelliest cheese in the world by the Institute de Fromages qui Puent, and has been quarantined until further notice.
Anthrax and Smallpox have announced a merger that will extend their disease coverage significantly, making them the third largest disease in the world. The new disease, which will be known as Anthpox, will be released onto the market in Q1 2011, and its creators hope it will kill thousands.
Syphilis sufferers are “100 times more likely” to use Facebook than sufferers of other sexually transmitted diseases, according to a spurious report commissioned by The Sun and the Telegraph. The diseased hordes are apparently “hell-bent” on connecting with others, poking people and clicking on the “likes this” button.
In days gone by, a pushchair was a pushchair – a chair that a baby could sit in, and the mother would push. However, mothers have united in fury at the latest pushchair, manufactured by McLaren, that now comes with four-wheel drive, air-conditioning and front and back suspension.
Correction: Nick Clegg actually does eat babies
Nigeria’s Scammies Awards pay tribute to hard work and innovation
William Hague appoints himself as Lord Viceroy of India, upsets locals
Cameron condemns creator of Siobhan O’Dowd Facebook tribute page
Orange marches to include freestyle section from 2011
Polar bears exaggerating claims of global warming
Tory MP found in “horrific state of sobriety”
