A South African woman has hit out after it was revealed that none of her children were fathered by South African President Jacob Zuma. She spoke to reporters after DNA tests conclusively proved that not a single one of her twenty children was the offspring of the libidinous President.

“I’m so disappointed”, said Lulu Mputu. “Everyone else in the village has a child from Jacob – what about me? How are my children going to live this one down in Biology classes when it comes round to being taught how Jacob reproduces? I’ve been telling all my friends that at least one of my twenty children was Jacob’s, I just couldn’t tell which. But I’ll fight on.”

At least 90% of families in South Africa are thought to have a child by Zuma, who prowls the streets at night looking for women to impregnate. Julie Nzonzo from Johannesburg says “he’s not aggressive or anything, he just walks around until somebody brings him in. Invariably, someone does in the end. We all know how much he loves the children of South Africa – many of them are his, so he has to. I guess he has to work really hard because keeping up all those child maintenance payments is going to be tough.”

Senior ANC officials are said to be “let down” by Zuma, who pledged that he would achieve a 100% coverage of the country by sleeping with every single woman of child-bearing age. Charles Ypibo told reporters that “he promised us that everyone would be a Zuma by 2012. I don’t think we’re going to achieve this now, and frankly, I can’t see how we’ll win the next election. Of course, when they all grow up, we’ll get loads of votes. But what about now?”

Zuma, however, already has a groundswell of support among the under-10s. The association “Children of Zuma” (COZ) regularly march throughout the streets of South African cities in support of their father, with demonstrations clamouring for the legal voting age to be dropped to 5. Young Jacob Jr XXXIII told the Daily Shame “I see my Daddy every day on TV and he’s great.”

Mputu claims that she will “strive” for a child from Jacob, saying “I know my time will come. I’ll wait by the window, listening for his mating call. I just know he’ll come one day.”