Friends close to shamed golf star Tiger Woods have revealed that he has been living a personal hell, unable to complete a sentence without an unintended double entendre. He is believed to be seeking counselling to overcome his innuendo nightmare.

“Tiger can’t open his mouth without saying something inappropriate, or at least something that everyone else considers inappropriate,” says one close friend. “I went for a round with him last week with some mates – he started talking about getting a hole in one, and everyone started falling around laughing. I won’t tell you what the reaction was like when he started talking about “swinging” the club. The poor guy, he’s really trying hard to put it behind him.”

Woods, who announced his return to the womanising circuit last week, is allegedly unable to even string together a few words without people smirking, hiding their faces or just leaving the room. Another friend told the Daily Shame: “We were at a dinner party last week, and someone asked him if he was a leg or a breast man – he said he’s always liked both, and there was silence. Just total silence. We felt awful for him. Then he started talking about his clubs and someone asked him which one is the longest. At that point, he excused himself and went to the toilet.”

A leading Innuendo Psychologist, Ralph Armpitte-Walsh, said that Woods could go either way: “I’ve seen cases like this before. When Danny La Rue came to me back in 1972, he was petrified at what was happening to him. Every time he opened his mouth, something risque popped out. We worked together for a couple of years before I realised that it was incurable – his only option was to become a drag queen and capitalise on his affliction. He did very well – made a whole career out of it – but he wasn’t happy, deep down. All he wanted was to have a normal conversation without people tittering and guffawing all the time.”

“Tiger’s the same. Either he’ll go quiet and withdrawn, or he’ll join the comedy circuit with Bobby Ball.”

A spokesman for Tiger Woods read a statement from the golfer last night, saying: “I am working on my strokeplay at the moment and trying to concentrate on my balls, and not the unfortunate publicity that surrounds every word I say. I’ve been somewhat off my game lately, and I’ve had significant problems with my follow-through, but I bagged a birdie yesterday, and sticking it in the hole was the most satisfying part of my whole day.”

The spokesman then apologised.