Fresh from the MMR/Autism scandal, the medical journal The Lancet is embroiled in further controversy after allegations were made of “dumbing down”. The journal is seeking to expand its audience by unveiling a new magazine “Da Lancet 4 Kidz”, written almost entirely in text-speak.

“It’s a huge step forward”, explained Ricardo Ballcock, editor of the Lancet. “Da Lancet 4 Kidz is really going to set us apart from all those other medical journals like, uhh… that one… thingy. It’s a chance for us to talk to the scientists of tomorrow, the doctors of the future, if you will. And yes, it does feature a regular column from Rainbow’s Zippy on Genitourinary cancer – that’s just something Zippy has wanted to get off his chest for a long time.”

The magazine leads off with a feature on “Autizm”, called “Be nice 2 da autiztic kidz”, which gives ten good reasons to be nice to children who have autism, and explains the link between MMR and Autism in cartoon form. A hastily added endnote to the cartoon states “dis mite not b true”.

“This is clearly in bad taste”, explained the editor in chief of the British Medical Journal, Tony O’Grandcock. “A feature on randomized drug trials that is told by Barney the Dinosaur is just plain dumbing down. And frankly, why they think children need to know about irritable bowel disease is beyond me – especially when it happens to Paddington Bear!”

Children, however, appear to love the new magazine. Tarquin Rupert Haverstockford-West, aged 9, from Henley-on-Thames, said that he was “overjoyed” to read the short story about Sleeping Beauty and the Coronary artery bypass surgery compared with percutaneous coronary interventions for multivessel disease: “I think it’s ace”, he beamed. “I’m going to get daddy to buy it for me every month. I especially liked the bit where one of the seven dwarves contracts ischaemic heart disease. I laughed and I laughed and I laughed.”

Ballcock said that kids everywhere will love the new magazine, saying “we’re even going to release a YouTube channel where kids can sing along to songs like ‘I Left My Chronic Pancreatic Cancer in San Francisco’ and ‘Do the Venous Thromboembolism Dance’. It’s a whole new market, and none of them are ever going to sue us if we cock this one up.”