Hospital staff in West London have staged a “mass holiday request” as news that Ashley Cole would be checking in to have his ankle checked was leaked. Bosses at the hospital are said to be “alarmed, but not really surprised.”

Nurse Maria Colostomy told the Daily Shame: “There’s no way I’m treating that fuckwit.”

She continued: “Last time he was in hospital, half of the staff resigned. The man’s not necessarily evil, per se, you know – he’s not Satan or anything, but there’s just something dislikeable about the turdbag.”

Indeed, Ashley Cole’s last injury resulted in walk-outs as staff refused to treat the Chelsea millionaire.

Colostomy continued: “He kept ringing the bell and ringing the bell, complaining that his hospital bed wasn’t made of solid gold and that his sheets weren’t pure Burberry. I mean, what can we do? When Cheryl came round to bring him some grapes, he threw them back in her face because they weren’t seedless. I do feel sorry for her.”

Those at the hospital who are refused absence leave will be given access to a special employee support line dedicated to those who have had to treat Ashley Cole.

NHS Manager Trevor Bedwetter told reporters that “we will do all we can to look after our staff in these desperate times. Last night, while watching the Chelsea game, I was praying hard for Ashley to be OK, and when he limped off the ground, I thought – well, part of me is pleased, but the other part of me is saying – heck, there’s going to be hell to pay at work tomorrow.”

Children at the hospital have been given guidance leaflets on what to do if approached by Ashley Cole. The illustrated guides show children where to hide if sufficient warning is given. If no warning is given of an Ashley Cole visit, the children are instructed to say as little as possible and hand over all their money.

“It’s the least we can do,” explained Bedwetter. “We know it won’t be easy, but at least this time we’re prepared for him, and we’re going to work extra hard to sort his ankle out really really quickly.”