The National Union of Joneses has launched a campaign to increase understanding of their plight. The NUJo claims that Joneses around the country are “fed up” with everyone else trying to keep up with them and want to be “left alone in their superiority.”

Valentino Jones, 42, from Cardiff, says that he’s “had it up to here” with his neighbours trying to keep up with him, and that he’s considered moving to an isolated cottage so that he can get away from them. “You think it’s just idiomatic, but the other week, I got a really expensive food processor – blender and everything – it’s lovely, so it is. Anyway, I paid a lot for it, and what happens – the bloody neighbours go out and get the exact same one! It’s not as if they earn anything like I do, but everything I have – they’ve got to have it too. Last year, I bought myself a brand spanking new car – a Honda it is. Lovely. You can guess what happened next, can’t you? Every bugger’s got a Honda now.”

“I mow my lawn first Sunday of every month, and I see curtains twitching. That’ll be their wives telling their husbands that they’ve got to mow their lawn too, just because the Joneses have done it. The kids start school next year and I’m dreading it.”

Valentino’s problems are not isolated. Vera Jones of Shytte in Norfolk claims that everywhere she goes, there are people trying to watch what she buys and what she does: “I wouldn’t say I’ve got a standard of living so superior to everyone else but they seem to think so. Mrs Wrinkleshat from next door keeps popping round on some premise or other but she’s noting things down on a little pad, so desperate she is to keep up with me. I was one of the first to get an iPod around here – now everyone’s got an iPod and I can’t help but feeling it’s because they’re so damned competitive with me.”

“You know, I bought a dress from Monsoon last week. They’d sold out by 5pm! I’m no Gok Wan, but if I’d bought a bag full of doggie pooh, they’d be buying that too. You have to draw the line somewhere.”

A group of Joneses got together ten years ago to form NUJo, originally a clandestine organisation in which Joneses could relax, free from prying eyes. Ed Jones, head of the NUJo, says that they have been inundated with calls from Joneses who just want to “live in peace”, and has even proposed the creation of a new “Jones Village” which is only open to people whose surname is Jones. “It would be wonderful”, he beamed. “Imagine – a world where no one wants to be you, they just want to be themselves. Of course, there’s the worry that a Jones hierarchy might form and that certain Joneses would want to keep up with other Joneses, but I don’t see that happening.”

“All we want is a bit of peace and quiet. We launched a website to promote our message last week, but within days, everyone copied us. I suppose that’s just our lot, really.”