The National Association of Bullies (NAB) has spoken out in defence of beleaguered PM Gordon Brown. The Prime Minister has been at the centre of a row over bullying at 10 Downing Street, with a number of harassed employees calling in to a national bullying helpline.

Head of NAB, Lee “Gripper” Barstowe told reporters that they were “fully behind the Prime Minister in everything he does.” He continued: “The PM’s not a member – but he’s welcome here any time. If he wants to beat up his staff – that’s fine with us. If he wants to steal dinner money from those puny little Milliband brothers – what does anyone care? Now everyone’s turning on him, what people don’t seem to think about is the impact all of this is having on the bully himself. If Gordon wants any support or advice, our doors are always welcome.”

“We’ve had numerous cases of bullies who have had to go to ground because their targets went public and stuff like that. We hope Gordon doesn’t have to do that.”

NAB was founded in 1981 after a surge in bullying, resulting from episodes of the popular kid’s programme, Grange Hill. Originally formed as a meeting place for bullies, the Association now fights on behalf of bullies worldwide, offering psychological support, bullying reintegration, as well as training courses on topics such as ‘ecological ways to flush a nerd’s head down the loo’. The annual fee is quoted as “just one month’s dinner money”, and any members who leave are given menacing phone calls.

The Association grew in popularity in the 1990s when member Barry “Stabber” Stebson went on hunger strike after having his catapult confiscated at Shytte High School. Stebson became a cause celebre for NAB, and his hunger strike lasted several hours before he gave in and stole a classmate’s sandwiches. The NAB website still carries images of an emaciated Stebson, with the words “never forget”.

Founder Wayne “Ball grabber” Hindle claims that bullies are often forgotten: “Everyone bangs on about the victim this, the victim that, but they always forget the bully. In today’s PC society, bullying is no longer seen as a necessary social ‘glue’, if you will. Back in the 1980s, having a school bully was almost obligatory – there was one school that was closed down by Thatcher for not having a school bully!”

“Bullies are human beings, too, you know. OK, so we’re human beings with advanced humiliation techniques, but we’re still human. More and more, we’re getting bullies coming to us saying that they’re being prevented from carrying out essential bullying work, and we campaign on their behalf. So, it’s pleasing to see that the PM’s office is encouraging advanced bullying techniques.”

Fledgling organisation Bullies of the Future (BoF) has approached Gordon Brown to give a speech at their conference next month. The organisation, which is strictly for bullies under the age of 16, is hopeful that the Prime Minister will attend. Head Bully Neil “Bog Flusher” Sutcliffe said: “Bullies of the Future is vital for the future of top-class bullying in this country. Some people say it’s a dying art, but we’ll take inspiration from Mr Brown. We’ve read Andrew Rawnsley’s book, and we’re already practising some of Gordon Brown’s manoeuvres. He’s our hero!”