The British government is reportedly fuming at revelations that Mossad agents have been using fake British passports to buy booze. The alcohol purchased using the fake ID was apparently used in a “massive binge drinking” session.

“This is revolting,” shouted David Milliband. “They think they can use our fake British passports for assassinations, which is probably OK, but buying booze? I’m sickened to the core. I thought higher of them.”

The Mossad plot to buy booze was hatched as far back as 6 months ago in Tel Aviv, and the plan was put into action on Friday night as eight “crack” Mossad agents assembled outside the local Asda. The ringleader, known to British officials as “Inebriated Ishmael”, handed out instructions – otherwise known as “shopping lists” – to his agents, which were thought to include items such as ouzo, gin, beer, vodka and even rum.

The agents synchronised watches and parted ways at 8:03pm, heading for local off-licences and newsagents known to stock alcohol. One agent, known as “lucky Yitzak”, went into the local “Booze Busters”, where he was served by Darren Offal, whose shift had only just started:

“He looked plain shifty to me”, said Offal. “He asked for twenty silk cut and a bottle of Stolichnaya, and I asked him for ID. He had a well squeaky voice and he was trying to grow some facial hair, I noticed. Anyway, he handed over something that was meant to look like a British passport – but it looked like it was a melted down vinyl record with some paper stuck inside. Anyway, I read the paper, and it has some scrawled blue ink saying ’serve this lad he’s 18 and well old enough to drink’. So I served him.”

Lucky Yitzak got away with it, but Operation Binge went horribly wrong for another agent who visited the local branch of “Fags ‘n’ Booze” with an extensive shopping list. Shop owner Sheila Voleskin noticed him shuffling around the shop as if he needed to pee, and then “he picked up a bottle of rum, and his hands were shaking so much, he dropped it. I said – oi, you, you’re only about 12 – where’s your ID – and he legged it into the night.”

The agents later rendez-voused at a disused garage round the back of Asda for a night-long session of binge drinking and misbehaving.

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown stepped into the diplomatic row this morning by saying that “Mossad agents using fake British passports to binge drink is a British crime – not an Israeli one. Leave it to the experts – I mean, we don’t go around doing the sabbath or lighting candles or all that such stuff, do we? I’m disgusted, and I’ll be having some serious words with the Israeli government.”

Benjamin Netenyahu was unavailable for comment last night, but a spokesman for the Israeli Prime Minister denied any involvement in the binge drinking plot, saying “he’s got a hangover and he can’t come to the phone.”