A 30-year-old man who left his cares behind him during a visit to Cincinatti has been told by locals that he has to “come back and take them away” after a raft of complaints. The man, Arnold Braceposition-Jones from Somerset, has been given 30 days to “get his ass back there”.

“I don’t want my cares any more,” said the former computer technician. “I went to Cincinatti, had a great time, and left my cares behind. Now I’m told I have to go back and collect them as they’re bothering the local residents? This is just stupid.”

Braceposition-Jones visited the city last summer for a week-long whirwind of drinking, womanising and drug abuse, during which time he forgot all his worries, which included his wife’s sudden departure from the family home with his best mate Gary, his unexpected redundancy, a continuing cold and a short bout of depression. When he left the city seven days later, he claimed to have felt a “sudden lifting” of all his problems and returned to the UK with a relatively cheery disposition.

“Don’t get me wrong – Cincinatti was fantastic, but I have absolutely no intention of going back,” insisted Braceposition-Jones. “And I do apologise to the locals if my cares are getting them down, but there’s nothing I can do about that.”

Locals are fuming, however. Mayor Klondike told reporters that the town has been plagued by depression since Braceposition-Jones’ departure, saying “he came here, drank our beer, lifted the skirts of our girls and did some line dancing too, and we thought dang, there’s one happy dude. A happy-go-lucky kinda guy. But the minute he got on the plane, we realised he’d just left his cares behind and heckfire man, we can’t get rid of them. He practically dumped them on us. That wife of his – why did she have to go off with Gary? Will he patch things up with his best friend? And will he find another job?”

Cincinatti locals are desperately looking for information on whether Arnold’s wife will go back to him or not, or whether Arnold will ever find love again. The talk at every Cincinatti bar is of whether Gary will recover from his cold, and whether he’ll be able to get work as a computer technician in his home town of Taunton.

Patti Kalinski from the downtown bar “Ho Girls” said “Until Arnold left, I didn’t have a care in the world. Now I’ve got his, and until he comes back here and sorts everything out, all I’m going to do is worry. I mean, will he ever be able to clear that overdraft? What about the credit card bills he racked up at my bar? He’s gone home, all happy as Larry, but he doesn’t give two figs about the good people of Cincinatti.”