The Tory party has unveiled the latest phase in its plan to entice first-time Tory voters with a pamphlet designed to help them “lose their Tory virginity”. Critics have labelled the campaign “demeaning” and “slightly paedo-predatory”, saying that “David Cameron looks like an oily elderly uncle trying to take his nieces and nephews to a brothel.”

Leaflets will be distributed at sixth-form colleges and universities, encourage youngsters to “pop their Tory cherry” and vote Conservative this spring. In the leaflet, David Cameron explains that while it may hurt, and it may lead to alienation, estrangement and feelings of inadequacy, it’s an alternative to “giving yourself away to a dirty old Labour whore.”

He says: “Yes, you may feel like you’ve sold out, that you’ve betrayed the very principles of youth with what seems to amount to little more than political bum sex – but losing your Tory virginity at a young age is something I heartily recommend. It’s good for you. It’s good for the country. It’s good for all of us. Once those initial feelings of disgust have worn off, you’ll start to feel more confident about yourself, you’ll no longer care about petty things like how to re-integrate single mothers back into the workplace and you’ll have more of an affinity with shooting foxes.”

The leaftlet gives an illustrated step-by-step guide on preparing for the loss of your Tory virginity, including advice on how to hide a receding hairline, and fashion tips on how to wear pinstripe suits. It also gives advice on the type of laughter required to belittle the unemployed – a kind of sneering “hur hur hur” as opposed to a guffawing “ho ho ho”. The Tory Party have also set up an advice line for any “after the event” problems, ranging from emotional support to lessons on ‘Torification’.

Youngsters around the country are apparently preparing themselves for the loss of their Tory virginity, although there are still some who are yet to be swayed. Verity Pisshanks from Newcastle said that “it’s sort of weird, but they sent out an iPhone app and that almost convinced me. Most people lose their Tory virginity when they’re like 50 or something, so they’re asking a lot of us.”

The Association for Voting Purity (AVP) has labelled the campaign “revolting”, saying through its website “keep young voters pure and keep them away from these predatory Tories. Do we really all want to look like David Willetts? Our voting youngsters are too precious to risk their Tory virginity at such a young and tender age. Let them experiment with apathy, socialism, Lib Dems and the Green party before they throw it all away.”

UKIP, however, have backed the campaign, saying that it will hopefully lead to legislation lowering the UKIP voting age to 60. Nigel Faharaquaraharama, UKIP leader, told the Daily Shame that “the current legal voting age for UKIP is 80 and that’s hampering our progress. If the Tories can convince the under 50s to vote for them, we should be able to force some kind of legislation through parliament, shouldn’t we? What? We need MP’s for that? F-ck.”