Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmedinejad has declared himself “disgusted” by the uranium he bought online last week. The mischievous leader has already sent it back and has declared jihad on the website that sent him the uranium, claiming it was “not enriched enough”.

Ahmedinejad bought the uranium from www.cheapuranium.biz last week, despite pleas from advisers that he should use a more reliable source, like ebay. “At least on ebay you can see the seller’s ratings”, said Ahmad Farouz, a former adviser to the Iranian leader. “But cheapuranium.biz has only been around for a few months, operating out of Yemen. You can tell these guys are just flogging uranium to any world leader who’ll come along with a few shekels in his hand. Or on his credit card, as it was in this case.”

Last week, Ahmedinejad came in for criticism after totally denying a set of rocket launches. When asked by reporters whether the rocket launches were an act of aggression he replied “what? what rocket launches? There were no rocket launches here. No rockets, no, no, no. Nothing at all.”

A spokesman for the Iranian President said “the uranium Mahmoud received last week was way below expectations. The site had three levels of uranium enrichment- and we went for the very best they claimed they had: ‘mega-enriched’ I think they called it. Free delivery on any orders above 20 boxes, and they claim that it’s ‘top bomb quality’. But how can you bomb Israel with shit like this? It wouldn’t even scratch the side of a Mossad vehicle, never mind blow it up. I doubt we could fire this one out of our own bloody borders. Christ alive, man, I bet you could even eat this uranium for tea and not feel any side effects. We want our money back.”

“I mean, what would we have received if we’d gone for the budget uranium? Allah alone knows! We’re best off using ebay, aren’t we.”

Ahmedinejad’s ebay rating, however, has plummeted after late delivery of some cheap rockets to a fella in North Korea, and sellers are known to regularly avoid him due to his “rather complainy” nature. One seller based in Moscow said “we sold him some really good long-range missiles – best we’ve got – and he just moaned that they weren’t the right colour. I wrote back saying ‘look Mahmoud, there was a picture on the page and we don’t do refunds’ but he just kept leaving comments like ‘I’m coming to get you’ and ‘once I’ve finally got these duds to work I’m aiming them at you mwuhahaha lol’, none of which helps.”