Vladimir Putin “Too much truth here. Kill the journalist.”
Sarah PALIN “Do I come here for the truth? You betcha!”
As he surveys his ranch in Texas, the Jolly Green Giant cuts a forlorn figure. Years ago, he was recognised as the happiest, most jovial giant in the whole of the United States. Today, he admits that he’s caught a dose of the blues, and no one appears to understand.
Residents of Maidenhead have been warned to be “on their guard” after reports of a bogus Carol Vorderman were made to police. The woman, purporting to be the brainy maths millionnaire, is believed to be hawking insurance and credit cards.
Hospital staff in West London have staged a “mass holiday request” as news that Ashley Cole would be checking in to have his ankle checked was leaked. Bosses at the hospital are said to be “alarmed, but not really surprised.”
Bernard Matthews spoke out last night after claims were made that the turkeys’ vote for Christmas was rigged. “It was all done in an open and honest manner”, insisted Matthews.
A Shytte-on-Sea resident has won control of Portsmouth Football Club after a game of cards “got out of control” at the Dog and Disco pub last night. He says that he will give “110%” to the club despite his limited finances.
Cats have joined forces to encourage people to stop using the word “pussy” as it has negative connotations for the feline world. “Actually, we’re quite tough”, said Mr Tiddles, spokesman for FUDGE, the Feline Understanding Democratic Group of Europe.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmedinejad has declared himself “disgusted” by the uranium he bought online last week. The mischievous leader has already sent it back and has declared jihad on the website that sent him the uranium, claiming it was “not enriched enough”.
A South African woman has hit out after it was revealed that none of her children were fathered by South African President Jacob Zuma. She spoke to reporters after DNA tests conclusively proved that not a single one of her twenty children was the offspring of the libidinous President.
The children of controversial climate bloke Rajendra Pachauri have spoken out for the first time about a lifetime of “lies and deceit”. The global warming scientist was unavailable for comment after it was revealed that he had given his children a number of fake warnings throughout their childhood.
The National Union of Joneses has launched a campaign to increase understanding of their plight. The NUJo claims that Joneses around the country are “fed up” with everyone else trying to keep up with them and want to be “left alone in their superiority.”
Daily Star Blames Muslims For Rain
Latest Al Qaeda recruitment video “basically a Justin Bieber video” say experts
Gadaffi restores Libya internet access to check comparethemercenary.com
BBC Asian Network “not doing enough to attract white, middle class listeners”
Wikileaks urged not to publish plot to Cats and Dogs 3: Feline Good
UK economy losing billions due to time lost by employees “pausing for effect”
France grinds to a halt as nation asked to work until 5:05pm
