Vladimir Putin “Too much truth here. Kill the journalist.”
Sarah PALIN “Do I come here for the truth? You betcha!”
A campaign group for “better looking Russian brides” has claimed that standards have slipped since the 1990s, and “only the ugly ones are left”. The group, which calls itself Better Russian Brides Now (BRBN), now has over 1,000 members, most of whom you would not want to meet.
God has shocked followers by declaring that he is considering a transfer to Buddhism. The Lord, whose contract with Christianity expired at the turn of the millenium, has been on a rolling contract with the religion ever since, and has been courted by other religions on a regular basis.
Everton and Belgium star Marouane Fellaini has landed himself in hot water after it was revealed that he transported his whole family from North Africa to Britain in his hair. The midfielder’s elaborate stunt came to a sticky end after a dressing room show-down with boss David Moyes, who noticed Fellaini’s grandmother having a cup of tea behind his left ear.
Friends close to shamed golf star Tiger Woods have revealed that he has been living a personal hell, unable to complete a sentence without an unintended double entendre. He is believed to be seeking counselling to overcome his innuendo nightmare.
The Tory party has unveiled the latest phase in its plan to entice first-time Tory voters with a pamphlet designed to help them “lose their Tory virginity”. Critics have labelled the campaign “demeaning” and “slightly paedo-predatory”, saying that “David Cameron looks like an oily elderly uncle trying to take his nieces and nephews to a brothel.”
Fresh from the MMR/Autism scandal, the medical journal The Lancet is embroiled in further controversy after allegations were made of “dumbing down”. The journal is seeking to expand its audience by unveiling a new magazine “Da Lancet 4 Kidz”, written almost entirely in text-speak.
The British Tourist Board proudly announced today, that it was launching an all inclusive holiday package designed for people who wanted to die. Britain has traditionally disapproved of suicide or assisted deaths, but now appears more relaxed as it unveiled “Euthanasia UK”.
A 30-year-old man who left his cares behind him during a visit to Cincinatti has been told by locals that he has to “come back and take them away” after a raft of complaints. The man, Arnold Braceposition-Jones from Somerset, has been given 30 days to “get his ass back there”.
Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg said he was “disappointed” that nobody had noticed him sitting naked at Prime Minister’s Questions last week. Despite breaking house protocol by wearing absolutely nothing, the youthful MP was allowed into the chamber, sat for 30 minutes, and even asked two questions.
A Berkshire-based Satanist claims that he is being unfairly treated at work after being told he could neither wear his devil horns nor bring his trident into work. The man, who works as a check-in assistant at Heathrow airport, claims that he is being discriminated against.
William Hague admits YMCA stay ill-judged
BBC Breakfast viewer in critical condition
Tour operator Bazzo’s Holidays 4 U collapses, leaves holidaymakers stranded
Dirty Stones have no complaints over Naomi Campbell gift
Correction: Nick Clegg actually does eat babies
Nigeria’s Scammies Awards pay tribute to hard work and innovation
William Hague appoints himself as Lord Viceroy of India, upsets locals
