Scientists have issued warnings that the continuing popularity of Lady Gaga could be causing the planet “serious, horrible damage” with “untold, wretched consequences”. The report, published by some magazine or other, states that the bizarrely-clad pop vixen is even more dangerous than fossil fuels and the melting of the ice caps put together.

“Just one of her outfits produces more carbon emissions than a flight from Helsinki to Vancouver”, said leading scientist Ralph Quornbake, who has spent the last six months watching nothing but Lady Gaga videos. “In fact, all this talk of climate change coincides rather neatly with the ascendancy of this miniature pop star. Have you seen the amount of plastic that goes into making just one outfit? That’ll just end up in China in a junk yard with the rest of her clothes.”

“In short, Lady Gaga is perhaps the most dangerous thing on the planet right now, short of a major earthquake or tsunami.”

Lady Gaga, who was unavailable for comment, allegedly ships all of her discarded outfits on a tanker to China where they are hacked up and left to rot, producing dangerous greenhouse damages. As many of them are non-biodegradable, they will cause the planet irreperable damage. Chinese children play on the “Gaga Wastelands”, as they are now known, and can be found playing games with radioactive shoulder-pads, and hide-and-seek in a pair of boots.

Indeed, the phenomenon in China has reached such proportions that crack squads of highly trained professionals are being called in to defuse items of her clothing. Fi Lin Xiq of the Gaga Response Unit (GRU) heads a team of Gaga Disposal Experts in Shanghai, and told the Daily Shame that “last week, we found a pair of knickers that had such a magnetic force on them, they were pulling in cutlery from 20 miles away. It was quite a scene, with knives and forks and spoons flying from all directions. Why didn’t we just stick to bamboo chopsticks instead of this westernised cutlery rubbish?”

Quornbake concluded that there is hope: “There are solutions for Lady Gaga – at least on this issue. She could have her clothes broken up and recycled. For example, we’ve found that one outfit alone could provide twenty African children with shelter, and the firework nipples could provide warmth for the homeless people on the streets of London. All she has to do is think outside the box.”

A spokesman for Lady Gaga said that they were looking into ways of rationalising her outfits, but countered that “we employ over 500 people just to create one outfit – just think about the boost that’s giving to the economy. Has anyone mentioned that? All of these people that would be scrubbing around on the floor looking for pennies in desperation and we’re giving them good, honest work.”