Residents of the Norfolk village of Shytte are today in mourning after the shock death of their snowman, Stephen. The snowman, age 7 days, was found in a state of thaw with his head detached from his body.

“It’s a horrific scene”, says mother of seven April Breakdown-Jones. “We all loved him so much, and took him in as one of our own. It’s cruel, so cruel. Gordon Brown should do something about this. That lazy goggle-eyed bastard just sits by and fiddles while things like this go on every day.”

The snowman was welcomed into the world by Shytte residents last week in a ceremony described as “momentous” and “emotional”. “He always had a smile on his face”, says a teary eyed publican Oswald Binge-Enforcer. “There he was, looking over us all, with a carrot for a nose. It was his way of reminding us all to eat our five a day, and here we are, with our survivor’s guilt. Well, I’m not forgetting my carrots tonight, out of respect for Stephen.”

Two days into his life, Stephen was given a scarf and a flat cap – remnants of which can now be found cast around the snowman’s deceased and disappearing body. A village tonight united in grief called for “something to be done”.

“That Gordon Brown doesn’t care about the likes of us”, continued Breakdown-Jones. “What am I supposed to tell my seven kids? Huh? That Stephen has gone to Lapland to join the other snowmen and he’ll be back next year? We all know he won’t. He’s dead and his decapitated head is lying next to the melting snow bunny we created for him as a mate.”