Scientists are reportedly thrilled to have discovered a loophole in Einstein’s theory of relativity, in which football managers are said to perceive time in a wholly different manner to the rest of the world.

The scientists at the Swiss research centre have labelled it the “Alex Ferguson loophole”, saying that time and space surrounding football managers appears to act in entirely random ways, but can be measured using a simple equation.

“We were over the moon when we realised what we had come across”, said Ernst Undjung from the Centre de Recherches de Berne. “I mean, we’d been trying for months and it was the last chance saloon really, and then at the very last minute, we realised that time and space was acting in direct relation to the manager himself. For example, if his team is winning, he demands that time be shortened – if he deems it too long, he’ll fly into a fit of rage. If his team is losing, he demands that time be lengthened, and can sometimes be quite unreasonable. It’s definitely the Alex Ferguson phenomenon.”

The scientists mapped out the equation t=(mp*r)/4o in which time = the manager’s patience multiplied by the result, divided by the time allowed by the fourth official.

“It works every time”, said Undjung. “We measured it in the Manchester United – Leeds United game. For every reasonable person in the crowd, five minutes was just five minutes. But for Alex Ferguson, it was 10, maybe 15. When he realised it wasn’t 10 or 15, he flew into a fit of rage. However, the previous week when he was winning, he believed three minutes were one. Time had adapted itself! We were so overcome with joy!”

This is not the first time football managers have found themselves at the centre of a scientific storm. Arsene Wenger has provided scientists with myriad research on studies into blindness. Doctor Flingenmayer-Botschaft of the Stuttgart Institute for Research into Blindness has built almost an entire career around selective blindness, which regularly blights football managers:

“Arsene has been something of a test case of mine”, he said fondly. “We met a while back when Arsene came to me wondering what was happening to his eyes. It appeared that every time one of his team committed a foul, his eyes failed him. It was a horrible affliction. I don’t think we’re going to find a cure, though.”