Budget flight operator Ryanair is coming in for fresh criticism from industry watchdogs over its plans to overhaul its new charges structure and introduce a new set of fees to supplement their low air fares. Flights will still be sold at tuppence ha’penny, but passengers could be stung for a whole range of extras, including a £5 tax on all ginger people.

“It’s quite simple”, said CEO Dermot O’Bonehead, “the majority of our customers are Irish, many of them are ginger, we need to make as much cash as possible to keep the planes in the air, you do the maths, dumbo.” However, when asked about the new £20 charge for “looking scruffy”, O’Bonehead was more evasive. “Well, obviously if you do turn up looking ragged, there’s an emotional element we have to consider there. Basically, it’s up to the discretion of the check-in staff. If you look like an ape, you either pay or you feck off.”

Head of the Aviation Industry Watchdog, Oswald Attendant-Bear, told the Daily Shame that some of the new charges were “absolutely bang out of sausage”, adding that “Ryanair make a song and dance over their tuppence ha’penny flights, but they always fail to mention the fact that you’ll get charged for walking slowly towards the plane, and there’s a £3 charge if you don’t say hello to the cabin crew. What’s most ridiculous of all is that they’re also charging people £50 for a seat – there’s no option for standing yet, but I bet you they’re considering it.”

Ryanair’s website does mention that you can avoid some of these charges if you accept to pay with a Bank of Ireland student “ultra flexi” card, and you can avoid many of the on-flight charges if you accept being punched repeatedly in the face by one of the cabin crew. Only five people in the whole of Ireland hold this card, and none of them have ever flown.

“If you get on looking scruffy”, said O’Bonehead, “it’ll cost you, unless you say you’re up for being smacked around a bit. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

Other flight operators are getting in on the game. Wonkyjet tells its passengers that they will receive an obligatory slap before boarding, but can avoid this by signing up for “Slap-free boarding”. A spokesman for the operator said “nobody likes being punched before they get on the flight. This way, by paying a little extra, passengers can achieve piece of mind and enjoy their flight without red cheeks or embarassment. It’s a small price to pay..” However, for a family of four to get on a Wonkyjet flight, it would cost a whopping £40 extra each way.

BonkAir has gone a step further and is now asking passengers £10 in order to get off the aircraft. Their CEO, Hans Scheissman told the Daily Shame that it was “common practice” where he comes from, and that £10 is small beer compared to the £20 charge they apply for getting on the aircraft.