Unlucky Liverpool boss Rafael Benitez has revealed that his wretched form extends into Football Manager 2010, where he has managed to take Tottenham into the relegation zone. The Spanish boss, whose real-life Liverpool side are “ridiculous beyond belief”, in his own words, claims that he will stand by his Spurs side, despite fans’ calls for him to step down.

“It’s kinda funny,” he said, stroking his beard. “You know, I’m doing shit in real life, and I’m doing shit on the PC too. These things happen. I’m quite sure that the virtual Tottenham fans will come round to my way of thinking and see that the new 8-1-1 formation is the way forward and we will break our habit of not scoring in games quite soon.”

Benitez admitted that he had “pressed the cheat button” once or twice, initially by taking charge of Manchester City under a second user name and buying Assou-Ekotto from himself for £100m. “They’re minted”, he beamed, “and I had to get rid of a few players. I sold them a couple of youth players for £10m each and the board sanctioned everything. So, yes, I was able to buy quite a few decent defenders with all that money. Well, I say decent, they were all Spanish and only I had ever heard of them.”

The Scouse-Spaniard then claimed that he had “dabbled” with the lower leagues, getting the sack at Bath, and taking Droylsden out of existence through financial ruin and relegation out of the Blue Square North division. “I haven’t quite got the hang of it yet”, he frowned. “I’ve thrown the mouse across the room a few times in anger, but mostly I try to keep myself calm. The wife doesn’t like it when I stay up until 4am every morning, but it helps my real work life – I use it for scouting unknown Spanish players!”

George Gillett, chairman of Liverpool, said that he would stand by Benitez, in both forms of football. “He’s one of the best Liverpool managers we’ve had since Graeme Souness”, said the debt-mongering Yank. “And Tottenham can be proud of the work he has done to shore up their defence. Yes, he has been sacked five times and has reinstated himself under different names, but that just shows his dedication and commitment to the cause. I could sack him here, and he’d reapply under a pseudonym – I’d hire him tomorrow.”