Tearaway website Mumsnet has declared independence from the rest of the Internet. In a move that is bound to shock the rest of the web, the renegade site for mothers has published a statement saying that “everyone else can go suck themselves”.

The site gained notoriety when it welcomed David Cameron and held him hostage for 36 hours, force-feeding him rusks and formula. The Conservative leader was freed only when a squat team of Tory whips agreed to babysit while the mums went out to watch a Meryl Streep movie.

“It was gruesome”, said Charles Winstanley-Redbush, Conservative MP for Slackbutt Grove. “When we got there, we found him on an intraveinous drip filled with breast milk and they were all screaming like banshees. We knew that Mumsnet were taking this whole biscuit issue seriously, but we didn’t know just how far they would go.”

A shaken Gordon Brown revealed that when he met the mothers from Mumsnet, they held him in an armlock and smothered his face with organic manuka honey, screaming “tell us your favourite biscuit or you die.”

“I told them Bourbon biscuits”, said Brown, “but they didn’t believe me. It was as if I could give any answer and I’d be strung up by the balls. After what happened to David, I didn’t think I’d get out of there alive. The more biscuits I suggested, the less credible I guess my answer appeared.”

The declaration of independence from the Internet is a surprise move that has taken the rest of the Internet by surprise. Mumsnet leader FizzieLiz1969 released a statement early this morning declaring that “in order to create as much pressure as possible, we have detached ourselves from the Internet and will operate independently with our own language, html code and currency. We’ll even have our own flag. Made from organic fairtrade cotton, of course.”

Indeed, the issue of having their own language has long been a talking point on the forum, where members discuss in shorthand that is unintelligible to the rest of the world. For example, “OCB” is “Organic Carrot Bake”, and “child-hating bitch” translates to “woman who has a career”.

Geek forums, however, have declared themselves happy at the declaration of independence, saying “those mumsnet people scared the crap out of us”.

Mumsnet was originally created as a site for mothers to share information and advice. Today, its members meet in Boden balaclavas and babies are hardly ever on the agenda.

One mother who escaped the Mumsnet “net” told the Daily Shame in secret that “they’re the Boden guerillas. I once suggested that we buy non-organic fruit for the meetings and they decided to shun me for a week. It was as if I didn’t exist. And one mother was hounded out after they discovered that her husband earned less than £50,000. Brutal, just brutal.”