Gordon Brown has admitted to taking the Scottish drink Buckfast when he was a teenager, but underlined “I most definitely did not swallow.” The Prime Minister came under intense interrogation during PM’s Questions over his dalliance with the beverage that has been linked with wife-beating, paedophilia, arson and genocide.

“Back in the day, it was considered the cool thing to do”, said an embarassed PM when questioned about Buckie abuse as a schoolchild. “All of the kids at school were doing it, and I was pressured by a peer group into drinking it. I must underline, though, that while I held the bottle of Buckfast to my lips, I most definitely did not swallow. And if I did, I went back to my dormitory and vomited it back like a proper bulemic.”

The drink has come under fire lately after scientists revealed that just three bottles of Buckfast a day, way below the average daily consumption of the average alcoholic Lanarkshire resident, could increase your chances of becoming the next Robert Mugabe.

“It’s a wonder that Scotland hasn’t had a despot already”, said Hamish McHooch of the Glasgow Institute of Tonic Studies (GITS). “Our research has indicated that one bottle a day can turn you into a rapist, two bottles can up your danger level to that of a Uruguayan midfielder, and three bottles can turn you into a seething, fascist dictator. It turns out Franco was quite a guzzler of the old Buckie, so little wonder that he ruled Spain with such an iron fist. Five bottles a day can be potentially harmless to everyone in your immediate surroundings, which is why we’re advising publicans to sell Buckfast with a tranquilliser dart so that nearby friends can calm that person down on the spot.”

Residents of Lanarkshire are bracing themselves for “Buckie rations”. Morag McHoosewreckagh told the Daily Shame that “without my fifteen a day, I’ll go insane. People say it makes you mad, like, but it keeps me calm. If they limit me to ten, I’ll tear this hoose doon ah tells yae!”

Buckfast themselves are now considering a re-brand from the genocide-inducing high-alcohol tonic drink to a “luxury brand” for the homesick Scot who longs to drink the nectar of the highlands. A spokesman for Buckfast said “We’re in dire need of an image change now that people think Gordon Brown has been squaffing our drink. What we need is to go after the affluent, middle-class Scots who’ve left home and want reminding of their childhood.”

Brown, however, finds his own job on the line because of the danger drink. Opposition leader David Cameron pounced on the opportunity, saying that “this just proves what a danger Scottish people are to the community. What’s wrong with champagne?”