Critics have called the new Britishness test, used to decide which immigrants can remain in Britain, a “sham” and “nothing at all to do with Britain”.

“It’s unbelievable”, said one immigration officer who wished to remain unnamed. “I took the test and it turns out that I’m not British at all. In fact, when the result came up saying ‘you are an ignorant Australian, please give us another £950 and try again in six months’, I was quite angry.”

The multiple choice questions proposed by the government include the following:

-          What is the circumference of Terry Wogan’s penis?

-          How many people in the Surrey hamlet of Queer-on-the-Wolds own dogs?

-          If Britain were a brand of toilet disinfecant, which would it be?

-          How many cigars did Winston Churchill smoke in his lifetime?

-          How many hairs does Cliff Richard have on his back?

Many immigrants are complaining that they have seen their stay in the UK curtailed as a result of not knowing the circumference of Terry Wogan’s penis, and the Irishman has reportedly gone into hiding after hordes of foreigners descended on his house with tape measures.

Serbian immigrant Asil Amsica told the Daily Shame that he had spent months trying to learn a bunch of useless stats and facts, but ended up being told that his score of 10% made him ‘no better than a dumb Irishman’ and asked him to cough up an extra £950 for having done so badly.

“I had already paid £950, and they wouldn’t let me leave the room until I’d paid even more. I was then told that if I couldn’t answer the bonus question correctly, I’d have to leave the country by midnight. Luckily the bonus question was about the number of bricks in Hadrian’s wall, and I had mugged up on that one! So I can stay until the end of the week.”