Bosses at First Capital Connect have been accused of “coming up with their own stats” to hide what some have described as “the single worst travel experience since the invention of the wheel.” One of the stats bosses have used to portray themselves in a good light is that ‘92% of FCC employees smile at least twice a day, a 6.2% increase on last year.’

Regular commuter Bert Yawntunnel told the Daily Shame: “that’s not even a real statistic! Here we are stuck in tunnels at least seven hours a day trying to get to the office, and they’re trying to hoodwink everyone into believing that they’re providing a good service with stats like ‘100% of our trains have seats on them’. Well I’ve never bloody seen one, never mind sat on one!”

The report, published today by the train company, aims to highlight the positives from what has been a rotten year for the franchise. It states that: “Despite a handful of late trains, 2009 was a highly positive year for FCC, and we strive to build on some great achievements. One of our most notable successes was the increase in sandwich fillings, making our sandwiches 3.4% more tasty than they were at this point last year. We are also very proud of the fact that we have managed to employ 12% more ginger people than in 2008, which is a significant step forward in ginger relations.”

First Capital Connect has come under further fire after it claimed that delays had been reduced by 100% on last year. It was later revealed that they had changed the definition of the word ‘delay’ in their own online corporate glossary to mean ‘when the train is over a week late‘. Red-faced bosses claimed that the word ‘delay’ was not the issue, and that “passengers’ expectations are just too high”.

A spokesman for the company said “we’re doing everything we can to improve the customer experience. Why, we’ve stopped using cattle prods on them, and instead of announcing delays to the service, what we’re doing is announcing trains that arrive on time. This way, we can give it a positive slant. Also, we’ve decided to change the way we timetable trains – instead of, say, having a 7.37 to Bedford, we’ll have a ‘Happy Train’ to Bedford – the time’s not really important, it’s the mood that counts!”

As well as the Happy Train to Bedford, commuters will be encouraged to take the “Chummy Choo Choo” and the “Crazy Commuter Train”, all of which will be un-timetabled.

Customer pressure groups have further decried the company’s plans to allow half-price travel for those who can cling onto the side of the train, saying “even at half price, you still need to take out a second mortgage, what’s the bloody point?”