The house of an obese man in Basingstoke has been surrounded by angry protesters after the government revealed that they can no longer grit the roads as fat people have used up all the salt. Large people around the country are tonight living in fear of reprisals.

A report drawn up by government thinktank “Blame 2010″ reveals that 80% of the UK’s salt is eaten by just 20% of the population – and they’re almost all fatties. The report states

Obese people are eating so much salt that the UK’s salt supplies will be eaten up by 2018. In fact, all of the UK’s emergency supplies have been consumed by the obese which spells danger for road and pavement users.

Lord Winstanley-Scapegoat told assembled reporters that local councils will have to seek alternative gritting solutions: “The situation is desperate”, said the landed pansy. “Our salt supplies are being chomped by big people. It’s in their pork pies, it’s on their chips and it’s in all of their ready meals that they eat in front of the telly every night. That’s why people are slipping on the ice every day. This report, however, does not advocate that you go out looking for vigilante action against fat people, nor does it advocate the use of force to gain entry to their pantries.”

Protesters outside the obese man’s house in Basingstoke are chanting “we want your fridge” and “cough up the salt, dough boy”, although Liberal Democrat MP Quentin Noboddie suggested that the report was just a cover-up for local councils who are “unashamedly lazy”: “They have the grit”, he said, “and they have the people to go gritting the roads. What they don’t have is any get-up-and-go. This report which was cobbled together in five minutes is no more than a cover up for absolute sheer bloody laziness on behalf of the councils.”

Indeed, the 34 Greggs outlets in Basingstoke have all installed metal shutters to protect themselves against “salt scavengers”, issuing a statement through their press office, which reads: “Greggs commits itself to high-quality salt-based snacks and is in no way responsible for the current salt shortage. If you want to blame anyone, blame the Scots.”