Scientists have revealed that the secret to Noel Edmonds’ enduring youth is that he is cryogenically frozen after every programme he records. Edmonds, whose real age is 215, decided to embark on the ambitious life-prolonging freezing schedule shortly after Swapshop ended in the early 1980s.

“Noel is something of a pet project for us,” said Professor James (pronounced Ham-ez) von Smyth at the Celebrity Cryogenics Laboratory in Switzerland. “He came to us asking for immortality, and we replied: No, Noel, we can’t do that for you. But what we can do, ja, is freeze you to prolong your life 300, maybe 400 years. He jumped at the chance.”

Edmonds was cryogenically frozen after every episode of Noel’s House Party in order to maintain his youthful looks as long as possible. He was then defrosted approximately 24 hours before each show and given the week’s newspapers so that he could “mug up” on the events that had transpired during that week, and read the script. A number of “fake” Noel Edmonds were employed by Edmonds Incorporated to give the impression that he was active during the week, but the real Noel was in the deep freeze.

“After the BBC decided not to carry on with Noel’s House Party, we put Noel away for several years”, said von Smyth. “There was a dreadful episode in the 1990s where one of the fake Noels was recorded by Chris Morris on Brasseye talking about some fake drug or other – we still haven’t told the real Noel about it – he’d go ballistic.”

Tony Blackburn said that he was “gobsmacked” at the revelations: “I always thought it was just some kind of crazy face cream”, he opined. “And it turns out that each time I met with him, it was a fake Noel – they were all very good, I have to admit, just like him – but I’ve lost track of who the real Noel Edmonds is. Here I am all old and wrinkly and he still looks like he did in the 1980s. You have to give him credit.”