Residents of Heaven have voiced concerns over the growing trend for commercial sponsorship in the Kingdom of God. Archangel Gabriel told the Daily Shame that “paradise is beginning to lose its soul”.

The worries come after a spate of sponsorship announcements were made, including a plan to replace the pearly gates with a golden “M”, renaming them “McDonalds Pearly Gates”. Gate operator Peter said that he welcomed most forms of income, but this one really took this biscuit:

“I’ve been working here for millenia and it’s always been Saint Peter’s Pearly Gates. That’s what it’s known as, and you can’t change that. Now I’m expected to welcome people after they die and offer them a 10% off voucher at the local McDonalds on Cloud 33.”

Another aspect up for sponsorship is “the light”, which people are thought to see when they are on their way to Heaven. This will now be known as “The Coca-Cola Light”, and will be accompanied by piped music promoting the brand.

“It’s madness”, said Archangel Gabriel. “We’re now meant to wear Foot Locker t-shirts and smile at people, asking them if they’re having a nice day. Of course they’re having a nice day, they’re in heaven, that’s what it’s all about. Everyone has nice days, every day. Why should I have to even ask the question? Lunacy, I tell you.”

“And what’s all this cack about advertising billboards on each cloud? My own cloud is being reshaped into a Liberty Bell sign as we speak. And you can imagine how confusing that must be for any non-American angels.”

A spokesman for God, or as he is now known, “God, sponsored by Motorola”, told the Daily Shame that the loosening of immigration laws had created overcrowding in heaven, and new ways had to be found to pay for the increase in population:

“God sponsored by Motorola may be omnipresent and all that, but he himself created the saying ‘money doesn’t grow on trees’. It doesn’t. Leaves do. How else are we meant to pay for the new cloud developments that are meant to house all these new angels? Jesus Krispy Kreme Christ has even had to go back to work to earn some more money. He’s doing a stint on Top Gear.”