Chester Roadkill sees himself as a man with a purpose in life: to teach CEOs how to re-adjust to the real world by speaking “life English” instead of management-speak. His school continues to grow, and he is set to expand even further with several new teachers joining next month.

The premise is simple: the busy business executive who spends all of his life at work comes to Chester Roadkill’s School for the Terminally Ill At Ease in Life (STIAEL) and spends at least one hour a day learning the language of the everyday, normal person.

“It’s a labour of love”, explains Chester. “CEOs are humans too, although they don’t really sound like humans. We’ve had some terrible, terrible cases of business executives who have been frozen out by their own families because they are no longer able to communicate properly with them. One managing director checked in after telling his family to ‘leverage the benefits of a wholly outsourced hygiene executive service’ when what he really meant was ‘get a maid’. He just couldn’t spit it out, so he’s on our total immersion programme.”

The same managing director had previously told his children to ‘re-analyse their core competencies vis-a-vis the holistic physical education programme laid out for them’ instead of ‘do some sport’, and further confused them by asking them to ‘push the envelope with some blue sky thinking in regard to the new canine naming strategy’ instead of ‘use your imagination and come up with a name for our new doggie.’

His children were reportedly so alarmed that they called Chester Roadkill’s School themselves.

Perigrin Albatross, CEO of HugeFoods Inc., is a newcomer to Chester’s school, and has so far found it highly rewarding: “Chester has been incentivising us to operationalise new linguistic capabilities – shit – I mean he’s got us talking real English. Heck, man, this is hard. I mean, I don’t get much time to spend with my family and when I do, I end up cascading information in a granular manner and they don’t have the bandwidth to…. shit, hang on. I’m doing it again.”

Albatross’s wife, Marie, says that he is making progress, but still slips back every now and again. “The other night, he offered to do the washing up, which was very sweet of him. At least, I think that’s what he was offering to do – he said he had a ten-point strategic plan to ameliorate plate cleansing processes and wanted to implement as soon as he had his ducks in a row. I’m getting better at understanding him, you know… we touched base offline and we’re now using a cradle-to-grave approach to in-house hygience maintenance – shit, I’m doing it myself!”