As the Goldilocks burglary case entered its fifth day in the High Court, David Cameron waded into the ongoing row by claiming that a Conservative government would “come down hard” on criminals like “that blonde-headed cat burglar”, Goldilocks.

“Breaking and entering is a crime, full stop,” said the opportunistic Tory leader. “This blondie might have captured the hearts of the nation, but the bare facts of the matter are that she is a brazen burglar and under a Conservative government, she’d be rotting in jail. This is just another example of why that lazy-eyed freak of a Prime Minister is bringing this nation down into his slummy depths.”

Yesterday at the High Court, a clearly troubled Mummy Bear was giving evidence. She broke down four times during proceedings as Goldilocks’ lawyer, Brian Hardline, posed questions about the bears’ lax security measures. “The locks were fine”, she blubbed, “the locks were fine, will you leave me alone you vicious brute? That woman broke into our house, ate our food and slept in our beds, and that’s all that counts. Lock her up, please, lock her up or we’ll never sleep again.”

When Hardline countered that the “door was open, has always been open, and even since the burglary, has been open,” Mother Bear broke down and had to be comforted by family members. The bears have already had their insurance claim turned down due to insufficient security measures in the house. An angry Father Bear told reporters outside the High Court that he would be “ready to maul that Hardline fella”, and said that “just because the door was open, doesn’t mean that anyone should feel free to walk in and out whenever they damn well please.”

A spokesman for Goldilocks insisted that her conscience was clear, and that “she only entered the house to ensure that the right security measures were in place and that the bears were eating properly.” He continued: “She cares for the bears. And you bring her to court? You’re the heartless ones here, not us. You.”

David Cameron went on to further lay the blame at Gordon Brown’s door, saying “a family of bears cannot sleep at night in their house because this recidivist tearaway girl – who has already received several ASBOs – haunts their every waking hour. Will there be food on the table? Who knows – it may have been stolen. Under a Tory government, everyone will be able to leave their doors open because we’ll take Britain back to the good old days where nobody had locks and everyone gave each other bowls of sugar and stuff like that, and people smiled at each other in the street and said hello.”