Gordon Brown has promised to sacrifice former Defence Secretary Geoff Hoon on Hampstead Heath if the Labour government wins re-election in the forthcoming general election. Hoon, who is reportedly “uneasy” with the plans, will be sacrificed on the summer solstice, with a paying audience selected by ballot.

The government had considered a number of potential sacrificial options, including Patricia Hewitt and Squirrell Nutkin, but landed on Geoff Hoon after consulting with astrologists and sooth-sayers, who all believed unanimously that the bloody sacrifice of the man they nickname “Buff” would raise public morale.

“I have come to this decision”, said Brown, “because I have clearly in some way angered the Gods and urgently need to make a sacrifice. Geoff has been great about it since I told him – I’ve shown him a few videos of what we do to lambs and all that, and while he’s not entirely comfortable with the idea of sacrifice, he’s 100% behind the plans.”

The ceremony will be televised live on BBC1 and the House of Commons TV channel, as well as on HDTV. It is thought that sales of HD televisions will be boosted by those who want to see the sacrifice in glorious high definition.

Hoon’s cortege will walk from the House of Commons at approximately 10pm, joining the Brown team before drinking the blood of Hazel Blears from a plastic goblet.

“This might seem like an election sweetener”, says polling expert Graham Treepants, “but in reality, it’s way, way more than that. It’s the culmination of the New Labour project. The only surprise is that Lord Mandelson hasn’t been involved in the proceedings, this is his kind of thing.”