Al-Qaeda has launched a glitzy new campaign designed to promote its range of “hostage holidays”. At a gala soiree, the terrorist organisation unveiled its new TV advert, brochures and DVDs targeting the “busy infidel”.

The new range of hostage holidays represents a break from Al-Qaeda tradition. The brochure proclaims “sun, sea or sand”, and a remarkably relaxing getaway for anyone who wants to hostage with Al-Qaeda. With resorts in Pakistan, Afghanistan, Yemen and Somalia, the terrorist network aims to be the global leader in hostage getaways.

CEO Osama Bin-Laden told the Daily Shame: “We’re really going upmarket here. Our market share in hostage holidays is not as high as it could be, so we’re hoping that our new resort in Yemen really does tickle the fancy of the busy, over-worked infidel who wants a nice, long and relaxing hostage getaway.”

“All of our resorts have Sky TV and broadband internet access – really fast, you can try it – and our customer service is second to none. In fact, it’s so good that some of our latest hostages have wanted to stay on rather than go home to their families.”

However, some members of Al-Qaeda are less than happy at the organisation’s new approach. One unnamed terrorist told us that “back in the day, we used to treat hostages with disdain. Now, we fluff up their pillows and even the radiators they are chained to are warmed. What’s the point? Being a terrorist used to be a laugh and all that. Now it’s just another job like being a barman. Last week we had three hostages at this centre, and I was getting them drinks. They loved it here. In the old days, I’d have slapped them senseless. Not now.”

But it’s the hostages who have the last word. We spoke to infidel businessman Gary “Fatcheeks” Young, who said “I’ve been here for over a year now, and I’m not looking forward to the day I leave. I’ve stayed in the Afghanistani Cave Resort, it’s wonderful. The way they’ve decorated the caves is superb – I just love the lighting.”