Vladimir Putin “Too much truth here. Kill the journalist.”
Sarah PALIN “Do I come here for the truth? You betcha!”
Al-Qaeda officials have raised the terror level threat in Great Britain to “thinking about it”, causing junior terrorists to fly into a panic. The level was raised after Mustafa Jihad, Al-Qaeda’s Chief Financial Officer, declared that the organisation would be “looking at diversifying into new terrorist avenues”.
The government has been forced to apologise to the public for the direct.gov advert in which Christopher Biggins’ head is superimposed onto the body of a baby. “It should have been noticed at an earlier stage”, said a spokesman, “and we apologise for the upset, anger and vomiting that it has caused.”
Jesus has finally got round to responding to the Beatles’ famous jibe that they are bigger than him. Last night, the Messiah tweeted: “@theBeatles: no you are bloody not”.
Unlucky Liverpool boss Rafael Benitez has revealed that his wretched form extends into Football Manager 2010, where he has managed to take Tottenham into the relegation zone. The Spanish boss, whose real-life Liverpool side are “ridiculous beyond belief”, in his own words, claims that he will stand by his Spurs side, despite fans’ calls for him to step down.
Wyvern regular Brian Battystock has promised to keep his feet firmly on the ground after winning a record £26.10 on the pub jackpot machine. He has already become the subject of begging letters and fevered speculation in the Norfolk village of Shytte as a result of his “amazing evening” last Tuesday.
The “Ikea Four” have finally been released by the Ikea government after repeated appeals from Prime Minister Gordon Brown. The four, a family from Essex, have spent the last three years imprisoned in the Wembley branch of Ikea, and say that they are “relieved to be home”.
Kraft CEO Irene Rosenfeld has revealed that the real reason for her pursuit of British chocolate-maker Cadbury is her demanding mother. Rosenfeld Snr, Gertrude, is a constant, looming figure in the Kraft CEO’s life, and sources close to the business leader say that her influence is “like, really massive”.
Officials at Burnley FC have strenuously denied accusations that they “sexed up” the Brian Laws dossier in order to gain the fans’ backing of their new manager. An official told the Daily Shame that “Brian Laws is a true legend and yes, yes he did fight at El Alamein, you go look it up on Google.”
Gordon Brown has admitted to taking the Scottish drink Buckfast when he was a teenager, but underlined “I most definitely did not swallow.” The Prime Minister came under intense interrogation during PM’s Questions over his dalliance with the beverage that has been linked with wife-beating, paedophilia, arson and genocide.
To the average joe in the street, Hugo Swanlake-Brown is just your average emo in the street. With his carefully ruffled hair and eye make-up redolent of the goth era mixed in with a dash of Top Shop, Hugo could be any emo. However, Hugo is an emo in a fix.
An apology to a Man Whose Name is an Anagram of Go Wank
William Hague admits YMCA stay ill-judged
BBC Breakfast viewer in critical condition
Tour operator Bazzo’s Holidays 4 U collapses, leaves holidaymakers stranded
Dirty Stones have no complaints over Naomi Campbell gift
Correction: Nick Clegg actually does eat babies
Nigeria’s Scammies Awards pay tribute to hard work and innovation
